SARA NILES. Author and Social Media Influencer. Books, Essays, Social Awareness The lives we live determine our passions, and our passions impact the lives we live, in a dynamic, reciprocal pattern. My Life inspired me to write Memoirs: TORN From the Inside Out, The Journey, Out of the Maelstrom, Essays, Opinion Editorials, and social narratives that shed light during dark times.
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TORN From the Inside Out & THE JOURNEY
MEMOIRS In 1973, a young woman, barely sixteen years old, and a zealous member of a cultist religious group, married a twenty-three year-o...
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 29, 2013
The Great Minimum Wage Hike of 2014 By Sara Niles
The Great Depression was the greatest economic disaster in
America. It began with the crash of the stock market on ‘Black Tuesday’ in
1929, and by the early 1930’s, it was in full swing. The Grapes of Wrath, written
by Nobel Prize winning author John Steinbeck, painted a fictional story of
lives that were all too real for people who lived the tale that Steinbeck recreated
through the Joad family’s desperate attempt to survive. The ‘grapes’ of
prosperity, that is the work and prosperity the family hoped to find when they
reached the grape orchards in California, became the ‘Grapes of Wrath’, by the
time they reached their destination. Economic strife, hardship and the societal
turmoil of a frustrated generation, paved the way for a New Day, when
Eisenhower moved to enact ‘New Deal’ legislation that provided economic stability
for the banks, and welfare programs for the poor, social security for the aged and
sick, and a brand new minimum wage:Franklin D. Roosevelt's post depression Programs
The first minimum wage started out at a whopping $.25 an
hour in 1938, was $1.60 per hour in 1968 (I remember those years), and finally,
reached $5.15 an hour in 1997. The wage increases came in minute increments,
while the runaway economy raced out of control; with inflation consuming the
wages of families, to the point of totally eliminating what was once called ‘disposable
income’. Every penny and dollar of the working poor was going to basic minimum,
and often substandard survival.
Until now, when a substantial increase of the minimum wage
is on our doorsteps.
The U.S. minimum wage due to be increased in 13 states on
January 1st. 2014:
The U.S. minimum wage history:
U.S. Department of Labor: Minimum Wage history chart
How will this affect the economy? One can only wait to see.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
The Many Faces of Religion: excerpt from The Journey by Sara Niles
The Journey is a narrative memoir of the life of Sara Niles and her children after having fled abuse. Niles includes the context of world events and social issues within the narrative of their lives from 1987-2011; the following is an excerpt that demonstrates the power and influence of religion in individual lives:
Excerpt
Chapter 8
The Many Faces
of Religion
Throughout history, every nation and village system in the
world, has used religious gatherings to form social circles and networks among
neighbors. I grew up in the southern United States, deep in the Bible Belt
where country churches were the bulwarks of the communities. It did not matter
what the local issue of the day was, church was where the meetings took place
and the people gathered.
It takes a wise person to be able
to judge situations from all sides, and to see them multi-dimensionally, and to be able to do this
perpetually: in fact perhaps it takes special genius to do so. At that time in our
lives, I did not possess the genius necessary to judge where the boundaries
that limited my children’s freedoms should be. I lacked the balance needed to
use religion wisely. Religion was a
vital and powerful force, which can be as useful as it can be dangerous, if not
used in a balanced way. Karl Marx once said, “Religion is the sigh of the
oppressed creature… It is the opium of the people”, and though this
famous saying has angered many a religious soul, it is a true statement
nevertheless. Too much religion can indeed be like a drug of escape, for those
who are trying to avoid the realities of a ‘dangerous’ world. Just as I found
my way into religion as I perceived it at the time, I would find my way again.
My children were simply my followers until they developed stronger wills of
their own, and would then be free to chart their own paths in life.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
SARA NILES: Books, Writing, and Social Issues: Children Dying from Abuse by Sara Niles
SARA NILES: Books, Writing, and Social Issues: Children Dying from Abuse by Sara Niles: Over Four Children a Day Die from Abuse In U.S. Hundreds of Thousands suffer from emotional abuse and neglect Books Written by former Chi...
Children Dying from Abuse by Sara Niles
Over Four Children a Day Die from Abuse In U.S.
Hundreds of Thousands suffer from emotional abuse and neglect
Books Written by former Child Abuse Victims top the charts
Damaged by Cathy Glass
A Child Called It by David Pelzer
Betty's Child by Donald Dempsey
Betty's Child by Donald Dempsey
Breaking Night from "Homeless to Harvard" author, Liz Murray
Hundreds of Thousands suffer from emotional abuse and neglect
Books Written by former Child Abuse Victims top the charts
Damaged by Cathy Glass
A Child Called It by David Pelzer
Betty's Child by Donald Dempsey
Betty's Child by Donald Dempsey
Breaking Night from "Homeless to Harvard" author, Liz Murray
Sunday, December 15, 2013
The Torn Trilogy By Sara Niles
Quote from Torn From the Inside Out
“For
the next half decade, I lived on the ‘flower bed of Eden’, as Cousin Andrew
called it. The days were never long
enough; perhaps that is why I hated to sleep.
Seasons came and went in a panorama of delight. The record ice storm of the early 1960’s was
a great memory to me as a small child, as I watched the storm through steam
fogged windows, warm and snug, as the loud popping of snapping pine trees
screamed with the howling winds. Nothing caused me to fear those years, because
I felt perfectly safe, as I expected I always would”
From:
The Journey
“When
the dark night ended, a new day dawned for us when my children were still
small, and the new day was a long as the long night had been, and in some ways,
just as frightening”
“Love
is one of the greatest human emotions and a powerful force in its own right,
but even love cannot prevent some things from happening”
“Sometimes when you become so
accustomed to loss, a new loss is only part of your usual ‘normal’”
“Our flight to freedom and safety was filled with a calm suppressed terror in the children and I, the type terror you have when you are used to living with danger
“He was dead, alright. The sight of death is
an ugly and fearsome thing, I thought, as I absorbed the tragic sight in front
of me. It was a man, ‘The man’ , was
lying in the road with blackish- red blood pooled around his head, and as he
lay face down with his feet in his own yard, while his head and shoulders were
planted in the street, he gave the appearance of a killed animal felled in its tracks by a hunter.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
"Love is one
of the greatest human emotions and a powerful force in its own right, but even
love cannot prevent some things from happening”
“Sometimes when you become so accustomed to loss, a new
loss is only part of your usual ‘normal’”
“Our flight to freedom and safety
was filled with a calm suppressed terror in the children and I, the type terror
you have when you are used to living with danger”
“Emotional breakings are delicate
to repair and even harder to decipher. I was not smart enough, nor did I have
the wisdom needed for such a job at that time”
“Ariel was the perfect emotional adapter when things went
wrong, but she was not amenable to life when things went right. It seemed her
coping mechanism was geared towards trouble”
Torn From the Inside Out Sara Niles
“In every life there is a timeless and unforgettable minute or day that will be forever etched into our mind’s memory. I have unforgettable memories that are so vivid that I see them in Technicolor, and I hear them in surround sound”
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Pinterest: A World of Beauty
Pinterest allows you to collect the beauty of the earth in one place:
Human Art and Nature ArtHuman Art and Nature Art
Human Art and Nature ArtHuman Art and Nature Art
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
The Age of Mega-Authors: over one hundred million book sales by Sara Niles
There are best sellers in books, and there are epic,
mega-bestsellers: books that have sold over one hundred million copies. The authors who have had the distinction of
being included among this very elite group, as mega-authors, are few.
The book by author
Agatha Christie that was published in 1939,
And Then There Were None reportedly sold over one hundred million copies
worldwide; which is no small feat
considering the fact the prolific Christie has reportedly sold over four
billion books worldwide, making Agatha Christie one of the most prolific authors of all time.
Books that have sold over one hundred million copies include
The Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien and A Tale of Two Cites by Charles
Dickens; both English authors whose long
running sales dated back to the
nineteenth century, which of course, gave them both a good head start
Since the dawn of the second millennium, there have been
noteworthy authors who may eventually eclipse the former prolific champions for
the prize of mega-authors; to name a few:
Barbara Cartland (1 billion), Danielle Steele (800,000,000),
and JK Rowling (450,000,000)
Followed by Dean Koontz, Stephen King (350,000,000), and
Louis L’Amour (330,000,000), with a pretty long list of authors who have sold
over one hundred million books per volumes of work http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_best-selling_fiction_authors;
however, there remain two distinct authors who are set far apart from the
crowd: Suzanne Collins and E.L. James.
E.L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey and Suzanne Collins’s
Hunger Games topped the list in 2012 of book sales: http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/industry-news/bookselling/article/55383-the-bestselling-books-of-2012.html
AS of 2012 the Hunger Games reportedly outsold JK Rowling’s
Harry Potter series with over fifty million copies sold worldwide. http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/industry-news/bookselling/article/55383-the-bestselling-books-of-2012.html
Wow! Now that is a lot of book sales…but wait, Fifty Shades
of Grey by Suzanne Collins has sold over seventy million copies, according to
the Wall Street Journal in its March 26, 2013 issue: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424127887323466204578384743129294104
The latter two authors, American author Suzanne Collins and
English author E.L. James, are epic mega-authors whose names will live long in
the annals of literature.
The Age of Mega-Authors: over one hundred million book sales by Sara Niles
There are best sellers in books, and there are epic,
mega-bestsellers: books that have sold over one hundred million copies. The authors who have had the distinction of
being included among this very elite group, as mega-authors, are few.
The book by author
Agatha Christie that was published in 1939,
And Then There Were None reportedly sold over one hundred million copies
worldwide; which is no small feat
considering the fact the prolific Christie has reportedly sold over four
billion books worldwide, making Agatha Christie one of the most prolific authors of all time.
Books that have sold over one hundred million copies include
The Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien and A Tale of Two Cites by Charles
Dickens; both English authors whose long
running sales dated back to the
nineteenth century, which of course, gave them both a good head start.
Since the dawn of the second millennium, there have been
noteworthy authors who may eventually eclipse the former prolific champions for
the prize of mega-authors; to name a few:
Barbara Cartland (1 billion), Danielle Steele (800,000,000),
and JK Rowling (450,000,000)
Followed by Dean Koontz, Stephen King (350,000,000), and
Louis L’Amour (330,000,000), with a pretty long list of authors who have sold
over one hundred million books per volumes of work http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_best-selling_fiction_authors;
however, there remain two distinct authors who are set far apart from the
crowd: Suzanne Collins and E.L. James.
E.L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey and Suzanne Collins’s
Hunger Games topped the list in 2012 of book sales: http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/industry-news/bookselling/article/55383-the-bestselling-books-of-2012.html
AS of 2012 the Hunger Games reportedly outsold JK Rowling’s
Harry Potter series with over fifty million copies sold worldwide. http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/industry-news/bookselling/article/55383-the-bestselling-books-of-2012.html
Wow! Now that is a lot of book sales…but wait, Fifty Shades
of Grey by Suzanne Collins has sold over seventy million copies, according to
the Wall Street Journal in its March 26, 2013 issue: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424127887323466204578384743129294104
The latter two authors, American author Suzanne Collins and
English author E.L. James, are epic mega-authors whose names will live long in
the annals of literature.
The Age of Mega-Authors: over one hundred million book sales By Sara Niles
Sara Niles
There are best sellers in books, and there are epic,
mega-bestsellers: books that have sold over one hundred million copies. The authors who have had the distinction of
being included among this very elite group, as mega-authors, are few.
The book by author
Agatha Christie that was published in 1939,
And Then There Were None reportedly sold over one hundred million copies
worldwide; which is no small feat
considering the fact the prolific Christie has reportedly sold over four
billion books worldwide, making Agatha Christie one of the most prolific authors of all time.
Books that have sold over one hundred million copies include
The Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien and A Tale of Two Cites by Charles
Dickens; both English authors whose long
running sales dated back to the
nineteenth century, which of course, gave them both a good head start
Since the dawn of the second millennium, there have been
noteworthy authors who may eventually eclipse the former prolific champions for
the prize of mega-authors; to name a few:
Barbara Cartland (1 billion), Danielle Steele (800,000,000),
and JK Rowling (450,000,000)
Followed by Dean Koontz, Stephen King (350,000,000), and
Louis L’Amour (330,000,000), with a pretty long list of authors who have sold
over one hundred million books per volumes of work http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_best-selling_fiction_authors;
however, there remain two distinct authors who are set far apart from the
crowd: Suzanne Collins and E.L. Grey.
E.L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey and Suzanne Collins’s
Hunger Games topped the list in 2012 of book sales: http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/industry-news/bookselling/article/55383-the-bestselling-books-of-2012.html
AS of 2012 the Hunger Games reportedly outsold JK Rowling’s
Harry Potter series with over fifty million copies sold worldwide. http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/industry-news/bookselling/article/55383-the-bestselling-books-of-2012.html
Wow! Now that is a lot of book sales…but wait, Fifty Shades
of Grey by Suzanne Collins has sold over seventy million copies, according to
the Wall Street Journal in its March 26, 2013 issue: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424127887323466204578384743129294104
The latter two authors, American author Suzanne Collins and English
author E.L. James, are epic mega-authors whose names will live long in the
annals of literature.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Nelson Mandela: When Greatness Walked Among Us
“I have fought against white domination, and I have fought
against black
domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society
in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal
opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve.
But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die."
domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society
in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal
opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve.
But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die."
Nelson Mandela spoke these words from the dock at the Rivonia Treason Trial on April
20, 1964. Through his words and actions ever since, Mandela has
been
embraced worldwide as a symbol of courage, hope, and
reconciliation.
reconciliation.
When Greatness Walked Among Us: Nelson Mandela, 1918-2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Writing The Book: The Long Journey By Sara Niles
A dream sometimes comes at a very high cost, and it may began as
a passion laden idea, grow to a fire in your soul until it is a mission. Maybe
only you know the value of the dream, but if you are fortunate, others may join
you in your devotion to your cause and support you in your resolute
determination. A dream is not a passive thing, that is if it is really
worthwhile-it takes work; sometimes many years of work.
My dream began in 1995, after formulating as a vague impression
for a few years, before blooming as a full-fledged idea. The book: Torn From
the Inside Out breathed its first breath of life in 2004 as the concrete
vestige of my dream to make a difference. My dream has grown bigger, and it
continues today.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
The Artists of Psychotherapy: Virginia Satir, Carl Whittaker and John Bradshaw
By Sara Niles
In every discipline and profession, you find those who work
on a ‘below’ average level, an average level and the ‘above average level’;
these are the talented ones, the artists within their fields.
Sigmund Freud was one of the earliest among those who fall
into this caliber of awareness that enabled him to give the world a view into
the psychic mechanisms behind human behavior; but as the world of psychology
expanded, several extraordinary people came to the fore.
In order to appreciate what is involved in therapy and
psychotherapy, it is important to realize that the mind governs the thinking, feeling and behavior of a person;
and if the mind gives faulty instructions, then there will be flaws in either
or all of those areas. Cognitive
psychology usually deals with the thinking, Behavioral Psychology with the
behavior and Psychoanalytic usually deals with the emotions as perceived or
experienced. The branches of psychology and those who work within them, often
stick to one of the specialties; however, truly talented therapists do on limit
themselves, but tend to be able to see the person as a component of all three:
their thinking, feeling and behaviors, from childhood through adulthood.
I have selected three of my favorite artists of
psychotherapy:
Virginia Satir (1916-1988)
Pioneered Family Therapy; identified the fact that the ‘presenting’ problem in
family was seldom the problem, since it was simply a symptom of deeper
problems. Satir developed a model designed to get to the root of the issues in
a family.
Foundation Website: http://www.satirpacific.org/therapy
Carl Whittaker (1912-1995) Whittaker was a mix between Dr.
Phil, with his no-nonsense approach and Virginia Satir’s treatment of the
family as a unit with hidden agendas. Whittaker was known to ‘break the rules’ and
do such things as shock the patient to force them out of their stuck positions
and beliefs.
John Bradshaw (b. 1933): Expert on family dynamics and the ‘inner
child’ and international bestselling author of self-help books.
Webpage: http://www.johnbradshaw.com/
Presentation on YouTube:
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Good Love and Bad Love: A Killing Difference
By
Sara Niles
People marry for ‘love’ and they form relationships based on
‘love’-but does that mean that both parties in a love relationship, love the
same way? There are two types of love. When I provided domestic violence prevention
trainings for grades 1-12, years ago, in order to reach young children who were
still in Piaget’s concrete reasoning stage, I had to simplify the differences
in the two types of love as ‘Good Love’ and ‘Bad Love’:
Good Love is unselfish and unconditional
Bad Love is selfish and
conditional
Good Love is not controlling
Bad Love is controlling
Good Love would never hurt the
love object
Bad Love can kill the love
object-especially if ‘it’ dares to leave them; watch this 48 Hour Special:
https://www.facebook.com/48hours
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Trolls in Cyberspace: The New Road Rage
By Sara Niles
10-10-2013
The term ‘troll’ originated in mythical lore at ugly beings
that were grotesque and up to no good, and the term ‘road rage’ originated in
modern times with the advent of automobiles and concentrated traffic on
highways. Both terms have come into play in cyberspace as ‘trolls’ have
populated almost every form of social media looking for ways to stir up
discontent and provoke arguments. A
troll hides behind anonymity as an unknown person on a computer, just as those
who are subject to road rage, release pent up frustration and anger on
unsuspecting motorists by calling names and verbally abusing their fellow
travelers. It is as if the Troll and the person venting road rage, both are
projecting their own anger and sense of inadequacy by ‘picking’ on others to make
themselves feel better.
If you have ever encountered this type behavior, it may have
been puzzling to see the enormity of rage vented upon people. I was reading an
online interview depicting a woman who had lost her son in death and the
interviewer questioned her about how she managed to cope. The comments that
followed were a true reflection of the compassion that most people are
naturally capable of; however, there were a few trolls who actually demeaned
the woman as a celebrity whose money and privilege supposedly exempted her form
having the right to suffer pain. One troll mercilessly attacked her, entitling her
response as ‘Oh Booowhooo” poor you with all your money!’.
If is a shame that some allow their own negative emotions
and inadequacies in life to rob them of all natural affection, thus remove them
one step away from civility and humanity. No wonder the term ‘troll’ is so
fitting.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Interview with Sara Niles, Memoir Author
Question:
Sara Niles primarily writes nonfiction memoirs-Why is that?
I am on a mission to make a difference through The Torn Trilogy memoirs, which addresses
family dysfunction, domestic violence, child abuse, mental illness and drug
addiction issues, and the destructive effect it has upon human lives.
Most people read books for two reasons: to be entertained
and to be informed.
Many readers have
been conditioned to view nonfiction writing as a medium that is purely informational
and fiction writing as purely entertaining. The fact is, nonfiction can be both
entertaining and it can pack a powerful informational message as well; as an
example, the movie Titanic was filled with information about a historical
event, but it was also highly entertaining; a fact that also holds true to
literature, In Cold Blood by Truman Capote was hailed as a masterpiece in
nonfiction literature simply because Capote wrote a true story as though it was
fiction.
I have lived an extraordinary life in which the odds were heavily
stacked against both me and my children, placing our mere survival at risk
countless times. The element of rising suspense that captivates audiences was an
actual part of our lives, and the unusual twists and turns that keep you on the
edge of your seat, was a normal part of our survival. When the saying ‘truth is stranger than
fiction’ was coined, it aptly applied to our lives and the multitudes of people
who have lived similar lives.
Torn From the Inside
Out, The Journey and Out of the Maelstrom, each tells a story that is filled
with both entertainment value and informational content. Each of the memoirs
can provide whatever a reader is seeking: a good read, insight and information,
and entertainment. Regardless of the reason for reading The Torn Trilogy, the
reader will come away entertained and enlightened and in the process, the dark
veil of family dysfunction will have been lifted a little higher with each reading.
What is the greatest joy of writing for you?
The empowerment of writing life-changing memoirs that offer
enlightenment and insight is the greatest joy and is most rewarding for me.
Knowledge and insight is like a light in a dark tunnel,
especially if that 'tunnel' is years of denial. I delight in providing insight
through my writings that empowers and enables people to change their lives for
the better. Most people do not realize that knowledge can help a person forty
or fifty years after a traumatic event but shedding light on hidden secrets and
enabling people to reexamine the way they saw themselves.
A large percentage of drug addicts and a disproportionate
number of the mentally ill are troubled by a past that involved domestic
violence or some form of abuse during their childhoods. Light needs to be shed
of those faulty perceptions and attitudes.
My writing enables me to become a light bearer in a dark
place.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Oprah Winfrey: Lessons from The Butler
Once in a while, the world experiences a persona so powerful
and utterly refreshing and inspiring, the whole world falls in love with that person;
sometimes, but not often, that person becomes an international symbol of
humanitarianism and good will. The rarity of encountering such person in a
single lifetime makes such a unique person stand out in your mind like a
beacon.
In the year 1954, while right smack in the middle of rising
racial tension and imminent social change, Oprah Winfrey was born to a poor family in one of the poorest states
of the union: Mississippi. When you consider Oprah’s beginnings, the odds of
Oprah becoming Oprah, seems unfathomable: Born into poverty as the child of a
single mother who worked as a housemaid, with the likely possibility of
achieving anything great in her future appearing to be a far off shadow in the
night.
I won’t trouble you to read the ending to this story since
the world already knows Oprah and what she has become in life; what I will draw
attention to, is the fact that Oprah is probably the most powerful woman in the
world, Black or White, or of any other race. Oprah could easily forget her
roots and her lowly beginnings and saunter off into her glamorous future and
leave her past behind-but she didn’t. I greatly admire that fact that Oprah is
still a Black woman, and obviously very proud of it; and Oprah remembers her
past, and is also very proud of it.
I read the September, 2013 issue of Oprah magazine (the one
with Oprah wearing a HUGE afro), and the article about Oprah’s role in the new
movie, The Butler, had a paragraph from Oprah that moved me to tears. In this
paragraph, Oprah recounted what the historical significance of The Butler meant
to her personally. In essence, Oprah said she found herself thinking a lot
about the history behind the movie and the many people that were affected by
this history, including herself, the offspring of three generations of housemaids because “That
was all they could be”(Oprah). The choices that are held before all of us
today, for both our sons and daughters, are much better choices than those that
existed during the early days of ‘The Butler’ in his real life. But what must
not be forgotten is the fact that butlers and maids, and the many other hard
working Americans from the past, are the ones who paved the way for those
choices we have today. We owe much of our hope to the future to those who lived
in the past.
The need to recognize our pasts and where we come from is
important because “If you don’t know where you came from, how do you know where
to go?” (Oprah, 2013)
Sara Niles Author of Torn From the Inside Out
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
War: A Costly Endeavor
By Sara Niles Author of Torn From the Inside Out
War is the most costly government operation of all time,
because the currency of the interchange is human life and everyone loses in
war. As the modernity of the times produced superpowers, the wars have become
potential super wars: World Wars I and II were the first concrete examples of
wars out of control. In World War One, over 37,000,000 lives were lost, with
the greatest numbers of casualties suffered by the superpowers: over 65,000,000
were mobilized worldwide, with the greatest losses suffered by Russia, France
and Germany (http://www.pbs.org/greatwar/resources/casdeath_pop.html
). When you examine the numbers from the Second World War, the numbers appear
to come from a science fiction horror movie; because WWII was the biggest and deadliest
war in all of human history. You would think the world leaders would have
learned from the first war.
The dangers of declaring war versus the danger of not
declaring war-now that is the question facing the world leaders yet again.
Syria has committed the unthinkable and used chemicals to kill over 1400 people
(http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-23906913),
a mere harbinger of what they may do in the near future, if not stopped.
Now we are faced with a fearful decision that involves a two
pronged danger: the danger of war from action and the danger of war from
inaction- a critical dilemma of the worst kind. Will there be a need to fight
to protect the good in the world? And what will be the end after all is said
and done?
In the Lord of the Rings (Movie), Sam said to Frodo that
“… there's some good
in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for”
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Memoirs: A New Trend
Twenty-five memoirs made the New York Times bestseller list
the week ending August 17, of this year
(2013), (http://www.nytimes.com/best-sellers-books/combined-print-and-e-book-nonfiction/list.html
, with many of these memoirs having led the market as bestsellers for many
weeks in a row. This count does not include the many self-published memoirists
who have had success with child abuse memoirs such as Why Me by Sarah Burleton and Empty
Chairs by Stacey Danson. The reading public is discovering that the stories
of ordinary people who have lived extraordinary lives, or who have survived
unusual experiences, provide the material for memorable memoirs, that is, when
they are well written. The big publishing houses are beginning to see the light
as they accept more memoirs into their elite collection of promoted authors,
such as Brain On Fire by Susannah Cahalan, a story of a woman whose diagnoses
of a rare brain disease mesmerized the medical profession. The landscape of the
publishing industry has really changed, and so has the image of the simple
memoir, since the early days of book publishing.
When I was young (never mind my age), only memoirs about
mega stars like Elizabeth Taylor would gain enough interest to win a place on
the New York Times bestseller list; and then many celebrities began to write
memoirs about the mundane aspects of their daily lives, bringing their huge
following of admirers into the book market. The publishing houses could get a
two for one deal when they signed a big name star who came prepackaged for
instant success, and the unknown memoirist did not stand a chance at that
time…then the technological advances of our new cyber age, catapulted us into a
raging eBook revolution in which many indie authors became overnight successes,
and being an ‘unknown’ author no longer mattered. What did this mean for the
memoir author?
Perhaps it was about that time, the idea began to grow in the minds of those
less well known, or even totally unknown, that their own lives of tragedy and chaos,
disaster and suspense, might actually hold some value in the trained eye of the
reading public. There are countless stories in life that are truly stranger
than fiction, and some of these stories began to be told by talented authors,
many of whom were unknowns, that is, until their lives were plastered all over
the world in multiple languages.
So what is it that makes a memoir an appealing read?
The age old literary advice given by most writing
instructors, is to “write what you know”, and the second piece of advice is to
write it well. When the elements of a good story occur naturally in life, and
the conflict, plot and timing is just right, you have more than a personal
narrative, you have a ‘memoir’. A well
written memoir concentrates an entire life, with all of its obstacles, secret heartaches
and successes into a literary capsule, gift-wrapped in a neat cover, and ready
to open and read.
Sara Niles Author of Torn From the Inside Out (A Memoir)
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Suicide: Societal Taboo by Sara Niles
Society
operates as a group, and as a result, stigmas and social taboos are generated
when things happen that are out of the control of society: like suicide. During
the days of religious control and dominance by the Catholic Church, everything
that could not be explained or controlled was 'demonized' and usually burned at
the stake. Today, society uses silence, which is usually a sign of discomfort
when in a group of people and an embarrassing subject com
Fact: Suicide takes more lives in America than homicides,
yet little is said about it. Perhaps if the blanket of societal denial was
whisked away by the open discussion of the presence of suicide in the societal room,
then suicide may begin to lose its hold on American culture.
I
will go first: My daughter courted the idea of suicide for over half of her
life. When my daughter was in her late teens, I found her perusing suicide
websites that offered ‘encouragement’ to commit suicide and glorified the ugly
act. I was shocked to find that there were many similar sites out there in the
cyber sphere, with voyeurs full of bloodlust and predators lurking on the
sidelines.
The
negative thinking that fuels suicide, has usually taken root long before a
suicide occurs, and lies dormant until something goes wrong in the person’s
life, which will invariably happen in every life, and in one stupid, and
impulsive instant, a life is gone forever.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Robert Galbraith’s The Cuckoos Calling …by J.K. Rowling
By Sara Niles
So the secret is out: J.K. Rowling hid her identity behind
the pen name Robert Galbraith in order to pen her second adult book since the
Potter series (http://www.hypable.com/2013/08/16/jk-rowling-new-book-plans/).
Of course, when you are as big and internationally famous as Rowling, there is
no use trying to hide. We know who you are, and we will find you, no matter
what pseudonym you use.
It seems obvious why Rowling would not want her name to get
in the way of her writing-she wanted to be known for her writing and not her
name. Either way, the results will be the same: readers read because they want
to. There is no way to make a reader love your writing simply because of a
name.
So what is the verdict so far, from the true judges, the readers? Good and exceptional.
If you go to Amazon
and check the thousands of reviews, they are all overwhelmingly five stars, and
I agree: http://www.amazon.com/The-Cuckoos-Calling-Robert-Galbraith/dp/0316206849/
I did not really like her first book: The Casual Vacancy,
but this one is much better; she is definitely getting her adult writer’s pen
in shape and her adult plots in form. I look forward to more from Rowling,
under whatever name she chooses next.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Sex Sells, and it Sells Best in Fantasy Form
By Sara Niles Author of Torn From the Inside Out
The remarkably successful Fifty Shades of Grey by Erica
James, or E.L. James, was so successful that it reportedly sold one paperback
book per second during the summer of 2012, according to Barbara Walters (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzRbcL-a6M8),
to become the fastest selling paperback of all time. The subject matter of
Fifty Shades of Grey revolved around sex, but not just regular sex, all forms
of sex: bondage and masochism are included, or should we say it is highlighted.
In USA Today (http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/books/2012/12/19/james-interview-fifty-shades/1767497/,
James says in an interview that women all want romance and fantasy, or in other
words, most women want to escape into a world of romantic fantasy and forget
the chores and the mundane day to day pressures of life; whereas men prefer to
escape into a world in which power, action and adventure predominates. The most
noticeable gender difference between book buyers is reflected in books sales
data. Women are the overall biggest book buyers. In a 2010 news article it was
stated that women make up over 60 percent of book buyers and the average age of
those women is over 40 (http://seattletimes.com/html/books/2012801171_litlife06.html).
So to recap the idea of break through novels in the book
world, women evidently control the market. To test that theory out: Amanda
Hocking sold over a million eBooks in which romance and the paranormal made up
the plot, Danielle Steele (never forget the mega romance author), who has
become her own brand, has sold from 600 to 800 million copies (depending of the
source of the count) of her romance novels, which is getting close to the one billion
sales mark. The subject matter of Steele’s books deals primarily with romance
in every possible setting, and the majority of the buyers are women.
Most recently, Colleen Hoover penned romance novels that
appeared to be aimed at the young adult audience, although the numbers of her
sales suggest older buyers. The subject? Yes, it is romance and sexy romance (http://bloodybookaholic.blogspot.com/2013/05/review-hopeless-by-colleen-hoover-must.html).
I could go on and on, but the finalize the point: if you want to attract the
most eager buying crowd , it may be a good idea to write steamy romance aimed
at the young adult crowd, while knowing the 42 year-old female buying power
will back it up.
I don ‘ write romance novels,and even if I did, there would
be no guarantee that I would be able to ‘break into’ the crowded market. When
you read the success stories of the authors who have made it big, you find a
common denominator in many of the success formulas: luck and timing.
So keep writing and hope for luck, and be ready when the
timing is just right.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Writing and Authors: We Bring Life into our Books
Into every book written by an author, there is a little bit of
the author’s life and personality, whether the author writes fiction of
nonfiction. Within each story there is some nuance of the voice behind the
page, the man or woman who tirelessly toiled to create a story.
In the case of Stephen King the mega-author
(see King’s Mega-list:
who wrote thousands upon thousands of pages of books that became
best sellers, including many that were made into movies, King admits that his
own life experience colored his writings:
“1988: “I have a sense of injustice that came; I think … My
mother was a single parent. Her husband deserted her when I was 2, and she went
through a lot of menial jobs. We were the little people. We were dragged from
pillar to post…” Quoted from:http://www.horrorking.com/biography.html
King goes on to add:
“A lot of that sense of injustice stayed. It stuck with me, and
it’s still in the books today.”
Agatha Christi, one of the world’s most prolific authors,
traveled the world and spent
many years in the orient, accompanying her archaeologist husband
Max Mallowan. From Christie’s life experience came the book: ’Murder on
the Orient Express’ , written in 1934, and still a best seller today:
The much repeated advice to write
what you know, is a best practice for good authors, because what we know best,
comes from life.
Sara Niles
Author of Torn From the Inside Out
Friday, July 12, 2013
A Most Unusual Life Wish: A Bucket List to Remember
A Most Unusual Life
Wish:
A Bucket List to Remember
July 12, 2013
By Sara Niles (A.K.A.
Josephine Thompson)
The term ‘bucket list’ is a term that was made more popular
by the 2007 movie by the same title: The Bucket List and it means to list
things that you want to do before you die. Most people list things that they never
got around to, or special achievements that may have been lifetime dreams.
I have one primary thing in my life that has achieved a ‘do
or die’, sacred mission status to me: it
is the one thing I want to do, no matter what happens in my life. It is the thing that is of greatest
importance to me, besides the most obvious and universal goal that most of us who are human share, that of putting
family and loved ones first; but in order to clearly articulate why this one
thing is so important to me, I have to tell a short version of my long
life. The life altering, and consuming mission
that I have been propelled into, was aroused by my own personal life
experiences and cultivated by unfortunate circumstances along my journey.
In order to tell the story of my mission, I have to tell a snippet
version of my life:
I was born to a country prostitute during a time when race
relations in the southern United States were less than ideal and as a result,
as a child of mixed race in the 1950’s, I was given away to my great-great
uncle and aunt to raise, both of whom were in their eighties when I was barely
past my toddling years. My relatives died while I was still a child and I
married a man who was both abusive and mentally unstable, and about fifteen
years and five children later, I found myself on a run for my life with five
small children. After a traumatic upheaval, my children and I found an oasis of
sorts in a small community in another state and life appeared to be grand.
To make a long story short and without telling the details,
life was far from grand, as I discovered over the years. My five children had
been damaged psychologically in ways that were not readily apparent, and it
would take years before I fully understood the triple impact of domestic
violence and abuse upon impressionable young children, or how childhood abuse
affects them as adults. The impact of prolonged and extreme dysfunction is
often triple and generational, successive generations are affected. I call this
triple effect that predisposes victims toward drug addiction, trauma reactions
and mental health issues, the ‘Three Headed Monster’.
My mission is to keep the Three Headed Monster at bay and my
tools are my words: I wrote The Torn Trilogy, a monumental 1200 page work that
is a testament of the power of the human spirit under fire, and as a long
mission statement against family dysfunction and extreme domestic violence.
When my mission is completed, I want to visit one of the
greatest mountains in the world:
Mount Kilimanjaro
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Power and Jodi Arias
The famous Power and Control Model of Abuse was initially framed
to fit the pattern of male abusers who abuse female partners; and as a result, the
model tends to be gender skewed. In real life examples, such as the case of Jodi
Arias, some of the components have been shifted, but the same power and control
dynamic is still obvious. Jodi Arias is addicted to power and control; whether
through force or emotional manipulation, the motive remains unchanged. Abusers
of both genders must feel like they are in control adn Jodi Arias is no different.
Jodi felt she was
able to control Travis via sex and catering his ego; but when she realized he
had actually left her, she engaged a killing rage and slaughtered him.
The 'Leaving'
stage of a potentially violent relationship is always the most dangerous stage.
It is not the first trip of the average of 7 times that an abuse victim
'leaves' that gets the abuser really mad, and if he or she is a killer-ignites
the killing rage-it is the last time they leave. The most dangerous time is when
the abuser knows for sure that it is absolutely, and finally over for good-that
there is nothing he or she can do to stop the abandonment by their former
lover--it is that time that is the most dangerous and sometimes, the time that
turns deadly.
The actual act of
physically leaving, it not the most important dynamic in the pattern of violent
abusers, but it is the ‘leaving’ the relationship via whatever form that ‘leaving’
takes, that is the trigger to violence. In the case of Jodi Arias, she 'left'
as a warning when she moved away; reflective of Travis’s emotionally
threatening to leave her. This was her way of saying, you are about to leave
me, see how it feels-I will act as though I am gone and you will panic and want
me back. I will make sure I stay connected via sex on the phone- I will drive
you crazy with desire...and you will want me back.
The power was
still in Jodi's hands, as long as she called the plays.
At least, so she thought. The realization that her power of Travis
Alexander was moot, came when Jodi made the final determining trip to Travis
Alexander’s home, only to discover that even after sex and photos; nothing had
changed. Travis had left her, abandoned her, leaving her hopes of having control
of him forever crushed. The words Travis Alexander spoke to Jodi Arias, before
his murder, may never be known, but the weight of his words to Jodi, carried
the burden of his death sentence.
The killing rage
of Jodi Arias took over, and she annihilated him. In Jodi's mind-the power was
still hers. When the jury said they in effect did not believe her lies and the
world waited to see if she would receive the death penalty under Arizona law,
Jodi once again, was in danger of feeling robbed of her
power....unless...unless she called the plays and chose the death penalty for
herself.
Last bid for power:
"I want to
die" she said within minutes of the verdict; leading a rational person to
think that she chose her responses in advance-to stay one step ahead of the
world.
To Jodi Arias,
power is more important than justice, or even her own life. The behavior of
Jodi Arias fits the distorted illusion of an individual who feels the only way
they want to live in the world is if they can control it.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Sara Nile's Blog: Is Justice For Sale? Alyce LaViolette & Jodi Aria...
Sara Nile's Blog: Is Justice For Sale? Alyce LaViolette & Jodi Aria...: Is justice for sale in 2013, that is, can you buy 'expert' testimony tailored to suit your needs? It seems so according to the over ...
Is Justice For Sale? Alyce LaViolette & Jodi Arias Case
Is justice for sale in 2013, that is, can you buy 'expert' testimony tailored to suit your needs? It seems so according to the over 400 negative reviews of Alyce LaViolette's book 'It Could Happen to Anyone', and the thousands of comments by angered readers on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Could-Happen-Anyone-Battered-Women/dp/0761919945
http://www.amazon.com/Could-Happen-Anyone-Battered-Women/dp/0761919945
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Grief, Loss and Honor: The Loss of ‘Ariel’
My daughter Ariel, my
child of 33 years, died this year on February 17, 2013. Gone. No more. Yes, I know the one word statement is not a
sentence, by any standard other than my own-yet the single, simple word ‘gone’
is the strongest statement I can think of to describe the overwhelming
awareness of how our lives have changed since her death. Gone, yet not just for
a minute as if she stepped out or misplaced her phone, but she is gone in the
most permanent sense that I know: gone to never return as we knew her. I don’t
care to be comforted with the ever after and how one day I will ‘see’ her
again- I simply want to absorb the idea that my little girl, my ‘picayune Amazon’
is out of my life and the lives of her siblings for as long as we each live on
this great earth. The world as we knew it before February 17th has
changed forevermore.
The stages of grief have been my companion in a most
intimate and personal way this past five weeks, with each stage coming to visit
in a different way each week until the visits of these unwelcome strangers
gradually fades from that of a screaming nightmarish intruder to that of a
quiet comforter. Anger was the most prominent of the stages and the most
expected of the grief stages presented by the renowned Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elisabeth
Kubler-Ross. Yes, Elisabeth, you were right on each one, that I know for sure,
because I learned each one well in the past thirty-five days. I was angry for
many reasons, mainly because I had a life stolen from me, I was ‘wronged’ and
there was nothing in the world I could do to change that. My daughter did not
have to die, she was not ill with some unbeatable illness such as cancer, nor
was she killed against her will by some random stranger. My daughter was
responsible for her own death.
I bargained with myself, alternately blaming myself because
I failed her in some way. Maybe if I had said “l love you” one more time or was
more understanding and supportive, then she would be alive. Maybe if I had had more money and more
resources, I could have prevented this awful thing from happening to her. All of the second guessing, negotiating and
bargaining, has changed nothing, not even my own honest opinion: that nothing I
could have done would have stopped her from orchestrating her own death. I knew this because I have spent eighteen
years of her life and mine, trying to stop my daughter from continuing on a path
of self- destruction and self-annihilation.
Suicidal ideation became my daughter’s drug of choice when
she was fifteen years old and persisted in her psyche till the day she died.
The internal conflicts and mental illness that troubled my daughter’s mind were
difficult to displace, even for short intervals during her life. The extreme
polar opposites of my child’s mood swings only matched her extremely disparate
behavior; she was like two people living in one mind. My daughter, ‘Ariel’, was
one of the most complicated and fascinating human beings you would likely ever
meet because she was a gifted with unusual intelligence and a brilliant mind.
Ariel possessed the duals abilities that enabled her to comfort, inspire and
charm in one moment and to become a caustic hurricane of wrath in the next.
Ariel was a dichotomy of positive and negative human emotions and a repository
of unprocessed childhood angst and fantasies.
Ariel loved to dream dreams of great accomplishments, of
becoming an attorney, a writer, a world traveler and activist; yet the world of
today and now, was one she could never conquer.
The act of living in the moment, and of finding joy among the most
common and mundane of daily living experiences, such as the beauty of sunrises
and sunsets and the simple joy of just ‘being’, was something that she never
mastered. Ariel never learned to love herself, as she was and in the moment;
instead, she would only entertain the idea of
Ariel the Conqueror, The Attorney, The Writer, titles she projected into
her ever distant future and never fully achieved. The fact is, these future
goals were achievable if only Ariel could have found peace within herself. Ariel was a great writer and a great
communicator, for she could bring you to your knees with her words or lift you
to transcendent heights of elation.
I feel a deep loss for myself and for my family, and I also
feel a deep loss for what Ariel could have been and would have been. I have
accepted this loss as part of my new normal and I will incorporate it into my
life as something positive in the spirit of ‘Ariel’ (Shenoa). Ariel wanted to
complete her book ‘On the Wings of
Moonlight’…….I will complete it for her to honor her and as a testament to
her spirit.
Shenoa selected Ariel as a pseudo-name for herself the book, The Journey which is the true story written by Sara Niles.
NOTE: Suicide in America
On February 17th, 2013- the same day of my
daughter’s death-Mindy McCready committed suicide at age 37.
Rodney King survived police brutality, only to succumb to
the consequences of careless choices made as a result of his addictions (June
17, 2012).
In the year 2010, the statistics on suicide rates reflected
a steady rise in the suicide rate to
over 100 suicides per day.
The Balanced Mind Foundation (2013). Daniel Steel’s Testimony
before Senate Appropriations Committee; Retrieved from the web Mar. 2013: http://www.thebalancedmind.org/learn/library/danielle-steels-testimony-before-senate-appropriations-committee
Suicide is the murder of self. There is no simpler way to
put it. Self -murder or suicide kills
more people in America than homicide; currently over one hundred people per day
die by their own hand in this country and over one million people per year make
suicide attempts. The victims of this tragic behavior include hundreds of
thousands of family members and friends who are left behind.
When I was young, I could not imagine why anyone would ever
want to kill themselves. The word ‘suicide’ was not only a puzzling phenomenon;
it was a concept that was far removed from my world at that time. I never
suspected that one day I would spend almost 18 years of my life in imminent
fear of suicide robbing me of my child, my daughter.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Excerpts from Torn From the Inside Out
Torn From the Inside Out
Memoir
“Thunder rattled the window- panes two stories high and lightning split the sky, it was as if the whole world was in turmoil that night. My nerves were keyed up as tight as piano strings and in a sudden moment of stillness and silence it felt as though my heartbeat was amplified ten times over. He was over a hundred pounds greater than I; nearly a foot taller and I knew he could move his muscled body into unbelievable sprints. Rain started falling in torrents, while the storm raged outside. I was not afraid of the storms of nature; it was the storm inside this night that I knew I might not survive”…February 13th, 1987, the night of Sara Niles’ flight with her five small children.
SYNOPSIS
Given away to her aged Uncle Robert and Aunt Molly at age 3 ½ , Sara spent ten years on the ‘flower bed of Eden’ being lavished with love and attention until death took its toll upon her aged caretakers and Sara married an abusive man named Thomas Niles when she was only 16. Niles invites the reader to enter her lifelong odyssey by the words: ‘Let the journey begin’, and so it does as the reader enters into a formerly forbidden zone.
Torn From the Inside Out celebrates a power greater than death itself, the power of the human spirit under fire.
PROLOGUE
This book is for me and my children and all of the millions of veterans of domestic war.
In memory of the dead victims of domestic violence, I have retold stories of those who became casualties. The stories below are all true; I retold them from the perspective of my own visualizations in an effort to give some validation to lives wasted and mostly forgotten. Some things are too precious to forget, such as the lessons of history, and the deeds of unsung heroes, for if we stumble into the habit of forgetting, we lose both the value of life and the opportunity to become a wiser and stronger generation. If we forget, we lessen our children, therefore we can never forget.
The Memorial is a tribute to remembering those that should never be forgotten, and although we must never lessen the meaning of the ultimate sacrifice given by the Great War veterans of this country, there is also another group of veterans involved in a war they did not choose. These veterans come from all walks of life and conversely fill offices of high acclaim and the prisons, they are old and they are young, rich and poor, educated and non-educated, male and female: they are the victims of domestic violence. Many have died in domestic war and have been ‘buried’ in the unmarked grave of forgetfulness, therefore to keep their memory alive I present to you a few silent witnesses that you would never otherwise meet.
I could hear the pleading guttural screams of the woman as she begged him to stop stabbing her, until her breath was too weak and her terror filled eyes took over. Twenty-nine times he brought up the kitchen knife designed to slice, and brought it down into her living flesh all over her body, perhaps sparing her heart intentionally, so that she lived long enough for him to snatch her dying, bleeding body up and drag her viciously to the bath tub, already drawn, possibly for him…and drown her. Only then, did the cursing, vicious animal of a man stop and stand back after his rage was spent, and admire his work. He showed her, all right. This husband and father performed for a small captive audience of his own terror stricken children, giving them fodder for nightmares, for the rest of their lives.
The next woman finally got the courage to leave, but she did not hide so he found her and their two children at her brother and sister-in-law’s house. The man went fully armed with intent to murder; he killed his wife and her brother and sister-in-law. This father left his two little girls asleep in the back room, not concerned that his older daughter would have to clean up his mess and live with it the rest of her life. The older girl, not even in her teens, had to carry her little sister out past the carnage to go to the neighbor’s to summon help. She covered her little sister’s face when she passed the bodies of her dead mother and the others, because a child should not have to see such things. Everyone was dead because Daddy, the triple murderer, killed them all and created wounds two generations thick.
One after another, the victims told their stories without words by means of engraved plaques. There were over two hundred life sized cut- outs in red plywood that represented the recently dead victims; each had a name and the date and method of murder. The cut- outs were placed around the rotunda at the state Capitol as part of the annual Domestic Violence Awareness campaign for the State Legislature. I came prepared for the cut-outs of murdered women, but I was not prepared for the number of cut-outs representative of the dead children and men; I was dramatically reminded that murder knows no age or gender. Many children died in violent homes, shaken to death, bashed against walls like mere flies and many died as secondary victims as an afterthought when controlling abusers lost the battle for their ‘kingdoms’ for the last time. Some of the deaths were the result of a last noble act of courage in a short lifetime, heroic sons and daughters who died in the line of ‘duty’ trying to protect a loved one, usually a little sister, brother, mother or father.
There was a plaque of a twenty three year old man who tried to protect his mother from his stepfather and for his bravery he was shot point blank in the chest with a shotgun. I see things in vivid imagery when I am particularly moved, so I envisioned the fight, the threats, the raised shotgun and the heroic son flying backwards as his mother gave a primal scream. Then time stood still for a frozen second, while death announced its victory. Death, with its black ugly soul, the final claimant and the last debt collector comes too often in homes ruled by violence.
I could picture all too well the months and years of pain before the deaths, because I had lived there too, in a violent home of pain and jeopardy, the difference was that I got away. Then again on second thought, perhaps I should say that I almost got away, because the harm of domestic violence in its worst form is almost never ending. The issues cut deep into your soul and deep into your family dynamics until it tears you inside out, then just when you think it is finally over, the ugly thing grows new roots, new manifestations, new issues and new pain.
I worked with abuse victims, and once a year I saw the hundreds of silent witnesses and read the plaques on their wooden chests and the tears flow from my eyes without my permission. I have to stop and wipe in order to see, because by the time I read the last inscription, I feel very tired and do not wish to talk for a while, because I have replayed the screams and the terrified faces, the sounds of bone cracking and guns firing, children screaming and climbing out windows, horrified neighbors calling the police and if the victims were lucky, the comforting sound of sirens when they are early and their mournful wailing sound when the saviors come too late.
Domestic Violence shelters from all over each state converge on the capitols for this event, with hundreds of workers dressed in red swarming quietly. Many of us read the plaques, some of us cry and most of us stop for a moment in time and reflect, and then we go home. If we are not vigilant, we may forget the mighty symbols of violent times that we were witness to. Worse yet, we must never forget the people behind the symbols, the lost mothers and daughters and sons and fathers who will never go home again. We must never forget, and we must not leave our lost dead un-buried.
Many years after my own escape from a violent life, I started to work at a domestic violence and sexual assault shelter for abuse victims and embarked upon an education of exposure. I found that victims vary greatly, that ‘one stereotype fits all’, will not work. Victims come from all backgrounds, and in all types, ages and sizes. I once remember walking into a shelter at the beginning of my shift to find a new client sitting in front of the intake desk. I finished her intake and when I walked around to her, she stood. She caught me completely off guard so as she began to stand, it seemed it took minutes for her to unfold her height, as she stood I had to back up to see all of her. This woman was taller than the average population, both male and female, I am sure she was around 6’4’ and weighed a hefty amount. I waited for my state of shock to subside so that it could register that she was the victim of domestic assault. I had to wonder if the perpetrator was related to the giant Philistine, Goliath.
There were so many situations and types of people, and although I discovered victims were different in many ways, there were some common traits evidenced across all spectrums, one trait was certain: those who remained in seriously abusive homes left with scars.
They came with children in all stages of damage, and degrees of anger, the children were usually angry with their mother, seldom toward the abuser. Children find out early that anger toward a dictator is unsafe, so they find a safer target. I knew of many cases of verbally domineering and abusive mothers married to timid men and in those cases, the children are angry toward the father. Whoever is safe, whether they are innocent or not, receives the anger.
The male children, especially the ones in the mid teens are especially angry and in suppressed agony, because they were cheated-they deserved a father that they could admire and copy, like a model, but instead they got a tyrant that told them boys don’t cry. The boys are cursed into maintaining an exterior of false peace while their insides are raging with the fires of pain. Children instinctively crave love from both parents, when it is not received, the loss should naturally be grieved.
Some of the women have up to seven or more small kids, some have emotionally disturbed kids and some are mentally ill themselves. Some of the victims have many other problems, drug addictions, and a sense of hopelessness. We have gotten those who cut themselves and those who have lived abnormally all of their lives and have learned to expect crisis or life is not predictable. First a crisis, then there is peace. It is really the peace they want, but they only know one way to get it. Some were normal, came from good, ‘normal’ families and fell in love with a man who was good at mind games, by the time they caught onto them, it was too late, they had succumbed to a good brain washing. So we debrief, we educate, we direct, we advise and we do a lot of listening at all hours of day and night.
They come by all methods; one lady hitchhiked practically naked after being held by a man she started living with. He raped her and stabbed her, it excited him to stab her and have sex with her in a state of fear. She escaped by running out to the highway when he went to the bathroom and a kind man picked her up and took her to the hospital. They sent her to us via the police. She talked constantly of what he did to her over a matter of weeks, unbelievable things. Ministers, neighbors, friends and law enforcement bring them and they drive themselves, sometimes having to outrun the abuser with the kids screaming ‘he’s gonna ram us, Momma!’ Some come in cars that cost more than my house; the men had total control of the finances, so they use the shelter and declare themselves homeless in spite of having left fancy homes. They are all homeless when they come to a shelter because you have to leave everything when the abuser is willing to kill. It’s either your life or your stuff. I have been there too. It’s like being in the middle of the ocean and being thrown off the ship without a life raft. How do you survive? You learn to really swim hard and long, because leaving is just a beginning.
It has been almost two decades since I fled my home and disappeared with my five small children, all big eyed and terrified, trying hard to be brave. I can see all of it like it was yesterday. Since I have had to recount my past to teams of people, I have thought about my life in more detail than is common. I was told to tell the ugly truth because these people needed to know and feel what domestic violence does to humans. I don’t think words were designed for the degree of pain I wish to convey, or perhaps the skill required to contort language to such a purpose is for a master of linguistics. In any case, it is my duty to report for the sake of the many who cannot speak for themselves, some of the dead victims and those who still live a walking death locked into mentally ill minds for life.
The room was small, the walls created a slight echo, or perhaps it was just my imagination. I had to go so far back into my mind that the present environment closed in on me. Of the five people in the room Kathryn Shipp was the most imposing: she was 6 feet tall, stood military straight with sharply cropped blue-black hair and blue eyes that were intense. She needed everything from me, she had to have the ‘feel’ of the whole story, not just the facts, so she demanded more than just a story, and she wanted a recreation of my life. Kathy Shipp was one of the best attorneys in the state and her client was a domestic abuse victim who had snapped and killed her abuser, so Kathy Shipp needed me to show her why a good little girl could empty a gun on a man with his back turned. I knew why she did it, I knew what she felt, and if it took revealing my soul to help, I would. So I went back to the images of my beginnings and the people and events that shaped my life to make me who I am. There were many forces that forged me, some gentle and kind and some harsh and violent; there were also many people who contributed to the final product that I call me.
In the process of my evolution, I became a victim of domestic war, an emotional casualty for a major portion of my life, entwined, entrapped and emotionally involved until I learned how to become free. Freedom has never been easily gained and has often come at high cost throughout history, but one thing I will always know is freedom is worth every fight, and all pain.
In every life there is a timeless minute or day that will be forever etched into our mind’s memory, they will be unforgettable. I have unforgettable memories that are so vivid that I see them in Technicolor and I hear them with surround sound. Long after I am dead, I believe, I will remember. Two of those memories were the days of my escape to freedom-twice.
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