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TORN From the Inside Out & THE JOURNEY

 MEMOIRS In 1973,  a young woman, barely sixteen years old, and a zealous member of a cultist religious group, married a twenty-three year-o...

Sunday, January 21, 2024

TORN From the Inside Out & THE JOURNEY

 MEMOIRS

In 1973,  a young woman, barely sixteen years old, and a zealous member of a cultist religious group, married a twenty-three year-old man, also a member of a the same religious group:

Fifteen years of abuse and five children later, Sara Niles fled for her life, crossed three state lines, and finally landed in a Safe Port. The Journey is the story of the Niles Family, especially the Children who grew up in a violent and traumatic environment. 

TORN From the Inside Out tells the story of Sara Nile's abuse and eventual escape. The Journey is the rest of the story.

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Wednesday, April 19, 2023

Sample Torn From the Inside Out

 httpsMEMOIR

Psychological Drama  

  • INTENSE
  • Insightful
  • Malignant Narcissism
  • Literary Narration
  • Trauma
TORN From the Inside Out
'A Pain so Great as to Tear the Soul Inside Out'


On a sunny day in 
1960, a white haired, eighty-year-old man, walked up a steep hill deep in the countryside of Southern Arkansas, and walked away with a three- and one-half year old, little dirty girl-child, riding high atop his shoulders, holding tightly onto the old man’s bald head. The little girl was scared, hungry, as always, and she had no idea of the home she was going to. The little girl had been given away by her biological mother to an elderly Great-uncle, the brother of her maternal grandmother. That little girl was Me, Sara Niles.

://www.amazon.com/Torn-Inside-Out-2023-Memoir-ebook/dp/B0BRX8K3TW/

Saturday, March 11, 2023

You Are ALONE: Relationship with Your Narcissist

 

Your Lonely Life with The Narcissist


In the egocentric world of Your Narcissist, YOU do not exist, at least not as a real person. You exist as a service provider, a status symbol, or simply a source of emotional ‘supply,’ that they gain through a toxic feed-back loop. The REAL you, the one they seem to laud when they are in a state of dysregulation and must recharge your batteries through that intense ‘thing’ that they do-LOVE Bombing. The minute your narcissistic son, daughter, partner, or friend, realizes you are becoming fed up with them-they flip the switch and turn on the charm. The charm is not a genuine recognition of your strengths, although they know you have them, the charm is a tool of manipulation. It is like petting the cow before you milk her, a veritable ‘Here Kitty-Kitty’ routine designed to set the stage from round two, or after years of abuse, round number one thousand, Welcoming you to Gold Star status in the Twilight Zone of Trauma-Bonding.

It is not like you never suspected something was wrong with your ‘person,’ or imagined they were defective in their social skills, to say the least. The truth is you had no idea they were Fake Entities, made up of pure deception and fraud. It is even more likely that you never knew there is a name for your person: Narcissist, and that that are descriptive and definite categories which your narcissist fits into like a glove. If your narcissist is covert, their ‘mask’ was so well developed that it may have taken you decades to identify them as The Problem and not you. Like a snake slithering in the grass, they camouflage themselves with superficial charm and intense emotional storms of ‘gratitude’ and pleas for forgiveness, leaving you only one noble response-to brush the erroneous behavior aside as a mistake.

Despite the gross manipulations, your inner warning signs set off alarms that you ignored or excused, chalking it up to some eccentric nuance uniquely theirs. You always suspected something was not right with Your Narcissist, but they were so good at covering their tracks that you discounted your concerns. People who exist in their own realm hiding behind deception and a false identity, are like ‘Actors’ in which the ‘Stage’ is real life; yet there is no reality. The Narcissist is a walking, talking, oxymoron, an ironic, enigmatic conceptualization of all the best parts of a normal personality, yet peppered with confusing behaviors that are far from normal. It is like an Actor entered your life at some point and never left the role. The REAL person that you thought was great, never existed.

The reason most narcissistic people develop a penchant for deception and role playing is simple: they know they are flawed, but refuse to accept it; instead, they create a false image composed of everything that YOU like, like a custom-made persona. The Narcissistic person is often a good worker, and very intelligent, so they are capable of understanding what is expected of them, and they can deliver. The Narcissist at work may perform exceptionally well in many types of settings, in the church system, they are saints, among friends, they are ‘the best,’ always willing to help, but at home? At Home is a different story because the average narcissist gets comfortable at home in their own environment and they feel entitled to be themselves, to kick off their shoes and remove the mask.

The problem with a narcissist being ‘themselves’ is which self will they be today? The Abusive Tyrant raging because they were frustrated or dissatisfied, or even bored? Or will they put the mask on and play a game of “Love Bombing’ to keep the targeted person in the relationship duped?

In all of the chaos of narcissistic games, unpredictable behaviors, and rollercoaster cycling up and down from happy to sad, the victim is fully alone in the room, wherever ‘the room’ may be. The Love Bombing stage makes it seem like the narcissists care about you and are willing to ‘see’ you and listen to you, but it is like a quick breeze on a hot day, it quickly passes. The 'love' of a narcissist is like the taste of honey that was not honey at all.

Loneliness gradually sets in, where you feel as though the narcissistic family member or partner is not aware of you as a person. This is apparent when you are excited over your good news, or a personal accomplishment, and you rush to immediately share with Your Narcissist, with your eyes wide and your heart full of cheer, only to have your news discounted in favor of a distraction. Right in the middle of your notice that you received a promotion in which your salary was doubled, they will nonchalantly ask if you remembered to buy milk on the way home. Flabbergasted, you answer “No,” because who is thinking of milk with such tidings to bear? The energy of the revelation is halted, cold water thrown on your lifetime accomplishment, so for a brief moment, you have a flash of anger; but not willing to further ruin your announcement, you ignore it. A huge Red Flag was just waved in your face, by years of conditioning has trained you to keep quiet and forget about it.

In another scenario, you just enjoyed a great movie and want to share, when they break the flow of happy cheer with mundane distractions:

‘Hey, let’s go to my mom’s,” or ‘I think I am going to run a quick errand-be right back;’ even worse, they pick a fight over something inconsequential right in the middle of your story. Your joy and happiness were once again interrupted. Years may pass before you feel the impact. You are alone in your own world, there is no room for you in the narcissist’s world. After endless pointless conversations in which you attempted to make your concerns known to your narcissist, you accept the fact they do not live on the same planet with you.

The sudden realization that your narcissist does not ‘hear’ you or ‘see’ you, is like an abandonment, even a death. The person you loved with all your heart, and whom you sacrificed much of your own happiness for their comfort, as Brett Butler said to Scarlet O’Hara, does not “Give a Damn.” It is over. The illusion is broken, and the ‘relationship’ you thought you had, never truly was a true ‘relationship’ between two present and participating adults. It was a ‘relationship’ of One.

 

The mind is an amazing tool that adapts to the circumstances it functions in; therefore, cognitive distortions put in place, begin to crumble. An earthquake takes place, and your world is turned into a shambles, as the brain and heart experiences a total reorganization-as everything that ‘was,’ is no more.

You are truly Alone.

Sara Niles

 


Saturday, February 18, 2023

The NARCISSIST You Married Wore a Mask

 

Narcissists are everywhere, because they have always been everywhere, we just did not know them for what they truly were behind the masks-in the shadows lurking.

The secretive self of the typical narcissist is an unbridled ID without a fully developed EGO and an Warped Super-Ego; but most are very intelligent people who know how to hide in plain sight.

You can Marry a Narcissist and live with them for fifteen years before you understand the dark enigma. Fifteen years of wondering if you were 'crazy' because he, or SHE, will make you think that you have lost your mind. The take the truth and make it a lie, and the lie becomes truth. Gaslighting is their second language and they are fluent in it; if you say 'Blue' they swear you said 'Red', and will argue and deflect until you give in and swear you are becoming forgetful and absent minded; after all, there will be no peace unless they are right.

But there are the Good Days when this human in hiding is charming and sweet, loving and 'kind'; but can it really be so, after being cursed and degraded the day before? Or, is is that confounded Love Bombing you just heard about?

You lost yourself years ago, out of a duty to keep the peace and eliminate unnecessary strife, as you found yourself giving up and giving in more and more often. Eventually you wonder where you ended and they began, or even if there is a 'you' left. Everything you do is to please and keep the peace, to absolve, compromise, abstain, suppress and regress. You have stepped yourself all the way backwards as the world passes you by...but The Narcissist has Grown in power over the years  until they are drunk with stolen power-YOURS.

Then it happened-the light shone in and you began to see what was hiding in the dark behind the mask all along. The rollercoaster emotional journey of intense love and hate, happiness and cruelty, lies and deceit, took  its toll on you until one day your woke up to the fact that the Stranger your married was a Narcissist. 

Not just ANY type of Narcissist, but a fully developed Covert Narcissist- a genuine Snake in the Grass. And you thought you had married 'one of the good ones'. The joke was on you.

Saturday, October 29, 2022

The Dangerous CULT of the Malignant Narcissist

 

Narcissists Have a Love Affair With Power


An individual narcissist operates within a microsystem or a macrosystem, a small family or a large organization, even a government, in which power is the ‘drug’ of choice in either sphere.

The reason narcissists love power is because it is a compensatory tool that enables them to feed their ego continuously, IF they have an unlimited source of power to draw from.

The archaic and dystopian stories in which Vampires are viewed as blood seeking Romantics, is weirdly applicable to narcissists: they FEED off the power of others, and when The Narcissist has a big ego and voluminous spaces in which to find ‘Supply’ they Feed Voraciously, sucking the psychic energy from their victims. The irony is The Malignant Narcissist with a supersized Ego needs a large supply of fuel, but it is never enough, because they are insatiable. The Narcissistic Fuel Tank is never ‘full’ because their ‘Tank’ has holes in it. The Narcissist’s Ego is unhealthy and empty, The Narcissistic ‘Self’ is Empty; therefore, the Fake Self, the perpetually Masked Self is not real. The ‘Fuel’ supplies the fake persona of a sick and selfish individual.

There is more than one type of Narcissist,

SARA NILES
but the one most easily recognized loves the public light, the appearance of success and riches and they seek power to keep this image intact, lying and stealing if necessary to secure their spot as ‘King or Queen of the World.’ Malignant Sociopathic Narcissists tend to become greedier and darker as they age, while cultivating  a Power Lust. Family bonds, and alliances are viewed as ‘tools’ and they will readily abandon relationships and betray alliances if it benefits them in the short term.

Most Narcissists live in the ‘moment’ while acting on childish impulses. The intelligence of individuals is hindered by their ego driven behavior, as they resort to the ID stage of egocentrism, when they are cornered. The outside appearances may denote a successful and powerful person in charge of their lives, with planned strategies in place, yet they make decisions like a child when in stressful situations. This public narcissist is presented on fully display before the world, yet they manage to assuage the concerns of others with a glib and superficial charm-just like in a microsystem-so in the macrosystem.

In a family setting, an abusive narcissistic parent or partner, presents the same way as a derailed CEO having a Temper Tantrum, resorting to outbursts and even violence. It is puzzling to see a Child-Adult Act out, so most rationalize it as a quirk. People who have witnessed this type of behavior up close, are perplexed because the person who appears confident and secure, can suddenly revert to childish bullying behavior. The two behaviors do not belong together, but because people do not understand the behavior, they excuse it as s fluke.

“Sometimes he acts like a little boy (or girl),” it is often remarked about the Narcissist after a victim witnessed them in a full display of Rage. Anger, Crying, Threats, Breaking Things, Name Calling and Blaming others, are immature behaviors that are common with children, but inexplicably are the same behaviors seen in narcissists on an extreme scale.

The trigger that precedes these displays of intemperance and abuse, is usually a feeling of ‘losing control’ of losing power. Power and Control is the glue that holds the typical narcissist together like a broken and fragmented vase superglued.

DANGEROUS

The more power a controlling narcissist commands, the more damage they can wreak upon victims. In the case of a partnership of two, only one victim exists, however, if the narcissist and his partner have a large family of children, the narcissistic has a small kingdom and can harm all his subjects. The fit of abuse is harmful to anyone near a narcissistic person, the closer the relationship, the greater the harm. In the case of rulers, and persons with power over large numbers, the damage can be catastrophic.

VICTIMS

The predatory narcissist uses bait to attract victims and emotional ‘sugar’ to keep them via ‘Love Bombing’ and grandiose Future Promising. Lying and discrediting the victims is part of the brainwashing scheme that is often undetected by those beguiled by the sugar coating. In the case of the Super Narcissist whose Victims are companies and the citizens of government, the same methods are used on a grand scale. The ‘Us’ v ‘Them’ method of isolating otherwise reasonable people from their common sense, works of those suffering from displacement, marginalization, and fear of being left behind.

Recruitment

The Super Narcissist wants to be worshipped like a god, to be obeyed without question, to have total control. It is the ultimate power ‘high’ for a self-absorbed egomaniac. The aging Malignant Ego desires this like Smeagol desires ‘The Precious’ in Lord of the Rings-so once in power, they seek MORE power, more followers.

A Cult is a group of people who irrationally and unconditionally follow an ideology or a person, a Cult Leader. The abandonment of reason is replaced by a cult-based belief system that members defend AGAINST all reason. The Brainwashing in complete when members reach this point of emotionalism. The radicalization of a person occurs when those beliefs are dangerously extreme.

The first step for the Cult leader is to stand in the public square and attract the followers to himself by appealing to THEIR egos and their ISSUES, their hurts, and fears. In the cyber age, social media is the easiest method for a potential leader to gather his crow.

The Cult Leader seeks the lost and angry souls to lead, those who have no root within themselves, no established sense of self, or keen critical thinking skills. The weakest members of society are picked just like a predator picks prey.

It is the same methods used by Gang Leaders to claim the loyalty of gang member who are initiated in by oaths of loyalty. It is the brainwashing of The Masses, gained by Cult Leaders through the ages, by promising ‘a place to belong’ in a world in which they feel rejected.

The Grandiose Malignant Narcissistic Leader knows his victims and attracts them like magnet attracts metal. Once a substantial portion of followers are bound by the silent oath, they follow blindly without reason. It is at this dangerous juncture in which the followers of cult leaders commit crimes in the name of their ‘Leader.’ Once the Cult following is seduced, they are bound and committed to a cause that that they believe is in their own best interests; unable to see the cause is the selfish goal of a deranged fake persona.

Never Forget HOW we got to January 6th, 2021. The Grandiose Malignant Narcissist is a Dangerous Leader

 

Macro-System Narcissist

Ego Driven Power addicts seek the greatest power achievable, so if they are talented, intelligent, or amply supported financially, they often secure and amass large sums of money, and positions of authority in which they control the lives of thousand of people. In rare cases, Malignant Narcissists gain control of Governments, creating chaos on large scale. There has been a lengthy line of evil rulers in the recent past, as well as current ones whose quest for power has created mayhem and misery for the masses.

Today in Real Time

There are individual narcissistic power mongers who seek to destroy American Democracy via ruthless power grabbing at all costs; and they display the same behaviors on a large scale as abusive narcissists within a small family. The same dynamic exists among the micro-narcissist and the macro-narcissist-they want to supply their Egos with a never-ending steam of Power to compensate for the inner disquiet within themselves.

Micro or Macro, Big or Small, All Malignant Narcissists are Destructive.

Thursday, September 22, 2022

Toxic Patriarchy Murdered Mahsa Amini

 Do Women Matter as Much as Men? Women only had the Vote in America in the 1920's, and gained only a few rights, until the 1970's, even in America the Home of the Free. So, how much worse is it for women in countries such as Iran in 2022?


Sara Niles Author Memoirist

A beautiful young Iranian woman was on a trip to visit family when the Morality Police arrested her and beat her to death for the 'crime' of not properly 'covering her head' via the hijab. The Iranian customs are built upon a patriarchal system in which women were expected to wear hijabs and other customary dress that usually covered women's bodies and heads. The women are subject to male dominated control in all aspects of life, but in 2005, the breadth of control extended to the incorporation of the 'Guidance Patrol' which is comprised of a van load of male police officers and a female fully dressed in traditional garb whose job is to arrest women if too much of her head and hair were visible to the public. The Morality Police were anything BUT moral, to have the audacity to punish women for exercising freedom of style, not modesty, merely style. The laws that justified such an atrocious and violent act was based upon Toxic Power and Control that boils down to abusive behavior by a Culture and its Government established by Males: The Toxic Patriarchy. The Control of Women had reached a new low.

Toxic Control in any arena begins in increments, first it is a suggestion, eventually it becomes law, and once there is a law there is legal justification for punishment for the 'crime' of walking free in the streets with your hair blowing in the wind; a pleasure few Iranian women could enjoy. The Sharia Laws and related religiously based idioms were behind the idea that men should dominate women. Originally, patriarchs were male Protectors of the Family, eventually the power tainted the perception of male power and it became Toxic Control, which reduced women to the status of being victimized by Toxic Patriarchy. The idea of the 'Good Father' was now a Tyranny that targeted women.

In 2022, on September 16, the toxic patriarchal power exerted by the Moral Police created what was called the Iranian 'George Floyd event' when they murdered Mahsa Amini, creating a revolutionary protest in which both men and women cut their hair, and the women publicly burned their hijabs. The act of riot and discord was a loud scream against the morality laws and practices that ended in the deaths of women, girls and men, who dared to challenge the 'morality' laws of a Toxic Patriarchy, which had transformed from protectors to tormentors. Women and girls are being treated as less than animals by their own government as they sent out the tanks and big guns, hordes of police, to reign in the peaceful protesters. Millions took to social media and the internet to publicize what was happening to them, so the government threatened to shut down their internet, so their only portal to the outside world would be closed.

Women and Men are pleading "PLEASE Help Us-they are killing us, shooting us down in the street.. and they are going to shut our internet off", some begging for the United Nations to  intervene in their behalf. The killing of Mahsa Amini had created an Iranian Crisis, as revolution grows. The discontent of the masses is growing, because tyrannized people will not stop until they are free.

Women of the World are Humans in every nation, but many nations employ religiously backed customs that are detrimental and demoralizing to women who are treated as though they are dependent children instead of adults with human rights. In 1995, Hilary Rodham Clinton addressed the United Nation's Conference on Women's Rights in Beijing, China, when she stated what has now become internationally famous:

"Women's Rights are Human Rights", a phrase coined first by Women's Advocates a decade earlier and made famous by Clinton. It is a truth that has been erased by the treatment of women as less than human. Women ARE human beings with as much right to fair treatment as any man.

WE are ALL of One Kind-Humankind, or as Daniel De Foe's Moll Flanders said:

"We are all of one being-humankind", WE matter, no matter what gender we are, we are all human.

Sunday, August 14, 2022

The Turning of the Tide

 The Family System is undergoing a tumultuous domino effect styled set of changes that is eroding its foundations. It is a matter of simple math: the more dysfunctional families become overall, the more generational dysfunction occurs, and the process speeds up one generation at a time. It is like a Family System's decline is similar to global warming and climate change. The more the ice caps melt, the faster global warming proceeds; in a family, the more the foundations erode, the faster the decline. It is in effect the decline of American Civilization reminiscent of Rome as a World Power whose moral decline in favor of independent greed and selfishness, created division instead of unity, which eventually weakened the entire nation as a whole. Once the foundational strength of Rome was weakened, outside factors overcame it as a world power.

The 'Strength of the Wolf is the Pack-and the Strength of the Pack is the Wolf' Kipling said in the Jungle Book; which is true in human terms. A Nation is merely large numbers of people unified by a common cause under a single rulership. The Nation is like 'The Pack' and individuals are like 'The Wolf' that together makes up s strong, united pack we call a Nation. American families are increasingly being weakened by single individuals whose narcissistic greed for Power within the family leads to betrayal and abuse. The family is weakened as more children are growing up damaged from living in a state of domestic trauma akin to a form of psychological warfare. These broken children grow up and parent children within new families in the same brokenness that they experienced. Once The Mold is broken the form with be broken in the same places; therefore we, as a society and a nation have a major crisis developing right under our noses.

Wake Up Call

The most extreme forms of trauma for a child is to suffer the loss of a family member to violent homicide; however even that reaches the limits of human endurance when children WITNESS the murder of one parent by the other in such a heinous act of brutality and betrayal that the average person would never fully recover from it. It would be hoped that such extreme acts of domestic violence within families is rare; but it is not. Family murders by men and even women, results in a Father or Mother killing the entire family, infants and young children included, followed by the cowardly way of exempting oneself from  societal consequences-they commit suicide in over half the cases.

Four of more Domestic Violence Homicides are committed in America every day, one male victim for each three female victims. This is the lowest statistical estimate; it is more likely there are twice as many, considering all forms of partner, family related homicides fall into the category of domestic violence homicides. Sons kill 60 year-old mothers and fathers, daughters kill parents and parents kill their own children in alarmingly high numbers. Its a silent war going on right under our noses, and the collateral damage is coming back to haunt us.

The dysfunctional family is where we are bred and trained to become dysfunctional adults in dysfunctional societies and governments. It is apparent that hundreds of millions of people are affected by a lack of moral compass, a lack of positive regard for the rights of others, and decreasing love of self, and of their fellow man. The 'ice caps' of the family systems are melting and we are seeing the impact.

Sara Niles

The Narcissistic Family is on the increase: