What is a NARCISSIST?

 

SARA NILES

Defining The NARCISSIST:

The Term "Narcissist" is not new, nor is the Personality 'Disorder'-Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which was added to the Third version of the Psychology 'Bible' called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM III) in 1980, forty-two years ago...however, the behavior of narcissistic people is simply ABUSER behaviors .Domestic Violence, Domestic Abuse in ALL of its forms, is simply different iterations of narcissism--Abusers ARE Narcissists...and Abuse behavior-the SAME behavior abuse victims have tried to explain to the 'Non Believers' for a hundred years-IS Narcissistic Behavior-both Abuse dynamics and narcissistic behavioral dynamics are the same. The techniques of blaming the victim, gaslighting, discounting, invalidation, humiliation, intimidation, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, mental abuse, AND physical Abuse, are ALL trademarks of Power and Control dynamics made famous by the Power and Control Wheel of The Duluth Minnesota Domestic Violence Project in 1984, fours years after NPD was admitted into the DSM III. Narcissism and Domestic Violence were treated as TWO separate typologies, although they are related in both origin and actualized behaviors. Abusers are both Covert and Overt, Extreme, and sublimated; Narcissists are both Covert and Overt, Extreme, and Sublimated, and both use the exact same tactics. Select Abusers are barely detectable, others are obvious and loud; a smaller percentage of Abusers are dangerous, capable of THE most extreme violence-Family Annihilation, while others never resort to physical violence.

The common denominator when dealing with abusive behaviors is the core of the Narcissistic person is geared towards selfishness and varying degrees of Power and Control. The development of a Narcissistic Ego begins within the Narcissist’s own childhood when they fail to learn to Trust and Attach to significant caregivers. The first building block of the child’s personality was corrupted and the ‘Ego’ itself was corrupted as a result; so instead of having healthy attachments and Love, the child learns to Pretend to have attachment, this is The Famous ‘Mask’ in its earliest form. A charming and deceitful child, or even a well-behaved quiet child, can hide their True Selves from others.

A Child is NOT a Narcissist, because they have not had time to complete full-stage development as such; but a child can become Abusive. The personality is not fully formed until the late teens and early twenties; the conscience begins to change from Kohlberg’s stages of the perception of Right and Wrong according to the parents, To an Internalized and Autonomous version of Right and Wrong ‘According to ME,’ around the age of twelve; a process that continues until the child reaches adulthood. An emotionally healthy child who has learned to attach and love and has developed Empathy for animals, for humans, and a respect for Life, also develops a Healthy Ego, as well as a complementary  Healthy Super Ego which serves to moderate their sense of Justice. A child whose developmental stages are corrupted, does not develop a healthy Ego, Super Ego, or a properly subjugated ID; therefore neither do they have genuine concern for the Rights and Welfare of Others.  Instead of viewing others though the lens of a healthy self identity, they develop a False Self coupled with a keen sense of Entitlement in which they feel The World Owes them. This is the Grandiosity in its early stages, a sense of entitlement and superiority over others.

The Narcissist is Born when the  self-entitled Adult owns the corrupted beliefs and attitudes they have fostered since their childhood; although they Know what is right and wrong, according to Society. The word 'deviance' means to deviate from the standard Normal; a narcissist chooses to deviate from societal standards of normal attachment and respect for others; which makes Narcissism itself a Deviant Behavior.

Once the adult narcissist chooses to become deviant, The Narcissist busies themselves with keeping a Fake Persona, a False Representation of themselves before the world. They Know what the world expects and accepts, that is why they pretend to conform. The Mask becomes part of their subterfuge, and over time they obtain toxic reinforcement and reward because of being able to ‘Fool’ others. The sense of Dark Power adds to their deviance, and what conscience they may have developed, begins to die.

The Inner Conflict of a young adult who may be fighting against becoming sociopathic, is what keeps them Open To Change; it is not too late for them if the Internal Conflict is active. The weak conscience can either be strengthened or destroyed, and sadly, many of those who Choose to Abuse, decide to either weaken or destroy their conscience in favor of the God Power, the unmitigated power to behave as they choose regardless of how their behavior impacts others. The Malignant Narcissist is born when the internal Conflict between Good and Evil, is decided in favor of Evil; and the Malignant Narcissist learns to speak charming lies and perform as saints a carefully plotted Act to deceive and control. The Malignant Narcissist becomes ‘The Nicest Person that you will ever meet,’ because it is a perfectly delivered Act.

Counseling Narcissists and Victims is a Normal-Versus-Deviance Approach that does not fit standard counseling approaches.

Regular psychological techniques are not geared toward dealing with Domestic Violence Dynamics-Abuse dynamics. Counselors are geared towards normal interactions between honest people, in which the parties use Honesty, Effective Communication, and Basic Listening Skills, to solve problems between two or more parties. The Narcissistic-Abuse Dynamic is built upon the Mind-Bending Behavior, Beliefs, and Attitudes, used by Cult Leaders. The Victim, when under the ‘Spell’ of the ‘Narcissist-Abuser,’ is in a state of Denial, an altered reality; otherwise known as being ‘Brainwashed,’ which results from an endless barrage of Pseudo-Truth and Outright Lies; all delivered under Threat and Pressure. Entire Families are subjected to this altered reality, in which the primary Scapegoat is the only one who sees through the subterfuge. The perception of Truth has been changed from what is True, to the Lies of the Manipulative Abusers. The Victims are conditioned by a dual system of Reward and Punishment delivered incrementally by the primary Abuser-Narcissist, using Love Bombing as a Reward tactic. Gradual Conditioning within a Toxic Climate recreated the Boiled Frog analogy, as Victims adjust in small degrees that are barely noticeable, at first. The Intensity of the emotional interactions within an abusive-narcissistic household, cements the perceptions of the victims. The Love Bombing is like an addictive drug to Victims who are so relieved to be in the Abuser’s Good Favor again-they become vulnerable to developing a version of Graham-Stockholm Syndrome. The Abuser becomes their Hero, who they initially both ardently defend and make excuses for, using Rationalization, Minimalization, and the old standby-Denial.

WHY are victims susceptible to such abuse and tyranny, and why do they stay in abusive relationships for years?

 The Truth is both Malignant and ‘Regular’ Narcissists are not always punitive and aggressive; they are ‘FUN’ to be around much of the time. When the Narcissist is Happy-EVERYBODY is happy-but when the Narcissist is miserable-Everyone pays. The Narcissistic Abuser has the Ego of a Child and is dominated by ID-driven Emotions. The Narcissistic person has an empty Inner Core, an underdeveloped, or Nonexistent Conscience, but the entitlement of a spoiled child-they WANT what they WANT when they want it. Their sense of justice in the Universe gears around them-they are The Center, the sun, and their victims orbit them like lesser moons and planets. Narcissistic Abuse occurs in families with Mothers, Fathers, Siblings, and extended family taking the roles of both victims and abusers; however, Partners are Chosen Relationships, not blood relationships. It is within the Intimate Partner Relationship that the most severe forms of abuse and violence fosters. It is also within partner-driven relationships Victims become the ‘Boiling Frog’ that endures abuse until the boiling point becomes too much to bear. The Victims reach a tipping point in which the amount of pain in the relationship Is GREATER than the pseudo pleasure of the Love Bombing and the intoxicating ‘Highs’ brought on by self-induced delusion.

Does The Narcissistic Abuser KNOW they are harming others?

Absolutely. It is part of the Toxic Conditioning process, as they Bully You Down to a controllable level; followed by using the victims as scapegoats and ego supply; THEY get their ‘HIGHS’ from inducing your ‘LOWS” just like a schoolyard Bully. Chronic Abusers know when to wear The Mask and exactly what behaviors are acceptable in public, or which behaviors to exhibit before certain people. The chameleon is a toxic shapeshifter, whose behavior will adapt to each circumstance.

The Narcissistic person Knows Right from Wrong-they simply do not care about anything other than meeting their own needs, and gaining ‘Narcissistic Supply,’ whether that is admiration from a crowd, or obedience from the few. If the Victims begin to develop a sense of Pride in themselves or show Confidence and Autonomy-it signals Warfare for the Narcissist who must regain their power and control. It is during these stages of the Victim-Abuser relationship that the Abuser shows their worst behaviors in a frantic attempt to subvert the humiliation of Defeat. The Dangerousness of the worst of the abusers is revealed when Victims Leave with finality.

 

Behavioral Health Professionals who are not trained in the dynamics of Domestic Violence and Abuse dynamics are at a disadvantage when it comes to the Victim-Abuser relationship. Traditional therapies do not work when dealing with deviant behavioral dynamics. The normal range focus of Truth & Honesty, Assertiveness, 'Standing Up to Them", Better 'Communication', and COUPLES Therapy do NOT work within the Altered Dimension called an ‘Abusive Relationship.’

The main reason counselors and therapists who have neither appropriate training OR experience-do not 'Get It' about Narcissists-is because they are applying normal techniques to an abnormal set of dynamics.. Narcissism is on a continuum from bad to worse-from those who only play subtle mind games, but have a tad of empathy-to those who are like Serial Killers-who are actors-Deadly and Dangerous actors wearing Masks-they are the ones who act out "IF I can't have you-You won't LIVE"; so, imagine a Therapist suggesting Couples Therapy in a Slave-Captive, Victim-Perpetrator Power Dynamic?

I WAS a Domestic Violence Dynamics Trainer, but before that-I was once a Victim of a potential Killer wearing the 'Mask' I spoke of, and I was also a counselor-so I know exactly why there is an enormous difference between counseling a Victim of abuse and Counseling THE Abuser-I have done both. I got the disruptors for what was called BIP program-the 'Batterers' Intervention Program" as it was called them-Court Mandated counseling for 52 Weeks....and Yes, most of them were just attending the sessions to stay out of prison-they were not in it to heal (A few of the less serious abusers were-very few)..A typical Malignant Narcissistic Abuser wore THE Mask to counseling-if they could not manipulate you, they pretended to be the perfect client; because MOST malignant abusers do not want to change Who They ARE as personalities- which is controlling, manipulative, obsessive, possessive, deceitful people-they Like it that way. The Toxic Behavior feeds their Toxic EGO-and their Id's dominate; they are sociopaths and psychopaths.

NOTE: The Rare Few individuals who subvert narcissistic inclinations and behaviors are usually on the milder end of the behavioral spectrum and they have an active conscience.