The presence of violence
in the home is called ‘Domestic Violence’ or Domestic Abuse, according to type
and severity. The intolerable behavior that makes a home a toxic prison in
which children are forced to merely survive, ranges from subtle put-downs, name
calling, yelling, and screaming, intimidation by throwing and slamming objects,
to actual physical and sexual violence against the primary target, and the children
in the home. In the worst-case scenario people die. The most dangerous
abusers often destroy the family if the primary victim leaves in a final
violent tantrum that amounts to “IF I can’t have them” they will not be allowed
to live- in other words, not only will they not enjoy life after the Abuser,
the family members of the killer, will not have a life to enjoy. These types of
domestic violence killers are called Family Annihilators, and they are
the most lethal among domestic violence abusers. The ending of a relationship
for them is a major injury to their fragile ego, and it designates Loss: Loss
of Power, Loss of Pride, and it is the ultimate Humiliation, an ego earthquake that
cracks their sense of identity. To a Malignant Narcissist with Dark Triad
Traits, this triggers a furious attempt to reclaim their power and regain their
property, so they launch an All-or-Nothing assault to claim them to
themselves either Dead or Alive.
In the moment in which
the Abuser decides to commit homicide, all the childhood issues are summoned:
the fractured childhood, the suppressed rage, the invalidation, childhood
humiliation, and the entitlement garnered later because they have become injustice
collectors, grievance hoarders. The combination of all the pent up hostilities
become the psychological dynamite that fuels one last effort to ‘Win’, to ‘Show
Them’, and to ‘Avenge’ themselves of their demons. It is emotional dynamite,
and the fuse is set (Women who kill their partners are governed by the same toxic
dynamics).
Women are usually the
primary targets of dangerous abusers, but not always. It has been commonly
overlooked by society that male child who grew up in violence often either identify
with the abuser and become abusive later as adults, or they become victims as adults,
because they identified with the victimized mother. Society has overlooked the
fact that the same poison cauldron of violence and abuse that shaped most adult
male victimizers, also shaped female children who were exposed to violence during
childhood. While not all children model the negative behaviors learned while
exposed to toxic environments, most do so in disturbing numbers since about half
of the children of abusive homes are conditioned to become the hated bully they
also idealized.
Both male and female children
who identify with abusive parents, mimic the same behaviors in their adulthood;
albeit in different ways. People are
naturally inclined to use the skills and abilities they possess to achieve
their goals. Males are usually stronger than females and are conditioned by
society to use that strength to their advantage. If an abused male child grows
up to become a violent abuser, he uses his greater physical strength to
dominate future relationships, including the children within the home. Females
who adopt violent bully mentalities, use savage verbal and emotional
tools to abuse and control, making the home environment toxic. Fits of screaming,
name calling, and humiliation is used by both male and female abusers, as well
as making unfair comparisons, belittling, invalidation, gaslighting and manipulation,
and what is called ‘Love Bombing’ used as a smoke screen to distract from the negative
behavior of the perpetrators. Both male and female abusers create a ‘walking on
eggshells’ atmosphere in which children are anxious and fearful and suppress their
emotions to stay safe from emotional assault. In addition to the immediate
effects of abuse, the long-term damage to the next generation is perpetrated by
both male and female abusers, as they destroy children’s ability to trust and
develop healthy self-esteem. Both males and females use the same domestic
violence tactics as they angrily project their pain and insecurities upon family
members while presenting a masked persona as their public face.
The biggest different
between male and female abusive bullies, is the use of physical and sexual
violence. Women are less likely to cause substantial bodily harm to male
partners, or to perpetrate physical violence upon their children. Male violence
perpetrated upon female victims occurs at an alarming rate, affecting millions
of households each day, and responsible for emergency room visits, hospitalization
and loss workdays amounting to over five billion dollars annually, and rising.
The greatest cost to female victims of male to female violence is the loss of
life.
The most dangerous
time in a violent relationship is when the victim leaves for the final time. It
takes the average victim from 7-12 times before they leave a violent relationship
for good. The abusers know when the abuser is finished with them, and they have
lost all power over them, which is a humiliation and a trigger to possessive,
obsessive, and entitled abusers. The presence of a gun in the home increases the
likelihood the relationship will end in homicide.
Thousands of men, women
and children become victims of domestic homicide annually, and the majority of
the homicides occur either during the leaving process or shortly afterwards.
Male to Female DV
homicide versus Female to Male DV homicide:
When Women are violent
and there is a gun accessible, they are as lethal as men. For
every four to five Intimate Partner Homicide in which the male is the
perpetrator, there is one case of female to male DV homicide.
Statistics: The sources of the most reliable annual statistics
are gathered by federal agencies, such as the Center for Disease Control, The National
Crime Victims Center, The Federal Bureau of Investigations, the National Bar
Association, and multiple Domestic Violence Agencies, as well as federally
mandated Domestic Violence Fatality Review Boards from each state.
Statistics are
generated and reviewed for accuracy before being published.
Links to Statistical Sources are provided
below for your convenience.
·
35% of female IPV survivors and more than 11% of
male IPV survivors experience some form of physical injury related to IPV. IPV
can also result in death. Data from U.S. crime reports suggest that about 1 in
5 homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner.
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/fastfact.html
What are the
statistics of domestic violence in America?
1 in 3 women and 1 in
4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. This includes a range of behaviors (e.g.,
slapping, shoving, pushing) and in some cases might not be considered
"domestic violence." 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured
by an intimate partner.
NCADV
1 in 5 Women and 1 in 7
Men experience Serious Intimate Partner Violence in their lifetimes
- Over 43 million women and 38
million men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate
partner in their lifetime.
Sexual abuse of Men
Call 1-800-799-SAFE National
Domestic Violence Hotline
