SARA NILES MEMOIRIST: I Saved My Own Life: TORN From the Inside Out

SARA NILES MEMOIRIST: I Saved My Own Life: TORN From the Inside Out:   The Beginning The room was small, the walls created a slight echo, or perhaps it was just my imagination. I had to go so far back into ...

I Saved My Own Life: TORN From the Inside Out

 

The Beginning

The room was small, the walls created a slight echo, or perhaps it was just my imagination. I had to go so far back into my mind that the present environment closed in on me. Of the five people in the room, Kathryn Shipp was the most imposing: she was 6 feet tall, stood military straight with sharply cropped blue-black hair, and blue eyes that were intense. She needed everything from me, she had to have the ‘feel’ of the whole story, not just the facts, so she demanded more than just a story, and she wanted a recreation of my life. Kathy Shipp was one of the best attorneys in the state and her client was a domestic abuse victim who had snapped and killed her abuser, so Kathy Shipp needed me to show her why a good little girl could empty a gun on a man with his back turned. I knew why she did it, I knew what she felt, and if it took revealing my soul to help, I would.

Torn From the Inside Out-A Memoir

Excerpted from Chapter One

Living on the Flower Bed of Eden

“You are living on the Flower Bed of Eden!”

Andrew Howard to Little Sara, age five

Arkansas, 1962

Thunder rattled the windowpanes two stories high, and lightning split the sky; it was as if the whole world was in turmoil that night. My nerves were keyed up as tight as piano strings, and in a sudden moment of stillness and silence it felt as though my heartbeat was amplified ten times over. He was over a hundred pounds greater than I, nearly a foot taller, and I knew he could move his muscled body into unbelievable sprints.  Rain started falling in torrents, while the storm raged outside. I was not afraid of the storms of nature; it was the storm inside this night that I knew I might not survive.

Anticipation was so great that I wanted to scream at him to get it over with, and true to my expectation he lunged for me, and my body did not disappoint me, I flew down the stairs two at a time in my bare feet. He stalled for mere seconds to enjoy his pronouncement of a death sentence upon me:

 “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU-YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING BITCH-STONE DEAD!”  He screamed.

It was February 13, of the year 1987, the night that I disappeared into a February rainstorm with five children and no place to go. I was twenty-nine years old. 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: Are Women the only Victims of Domestic Violence and Abuse-are MALES Victims TOO?

 

The presence of violence in the home is called ‘Domestic Violence’ or Domestic Abuse, according to type and severity. The intolerable behavior that makes a home a toxic prison in which children are forced to merely survive, ranges from subtle put-downs, name calling, yelling, and screaming, intimidation by throwing and slamming objects, to actual physical and sexual violence against the primary target, and the children in the home. In the worst-case scenario people die. The most dangerous abusers often destroy the family if the primary victim leaves in a final violent tantrum that amounts to “IF I can’t have them” they will not be allowed to live- in other words, not only will they not enjoy life after the Abuser, the family members of the killer, will not have a life to enjoy. These types of domestic violence killers are called Family Annihilators, and they are the most lethal among domestic violence abusers. The ending of a relationship for them is a major injury to their fragile ego, and it designates Loss: Loss of Power, Loss of Pride, and it is the ultimate Humiliation, an ego earthquake that cracks their sense of identity. To a Malignant Narcissist with Dark Triad Traits, this triggers a furious attempt to reclaim their power and regain their property, so they launch an All-or-Nothing assault to claim them to themselves either Dead or Alive.

In the moment in which the Abuser decides to commit homicide, all the childhood issues are summoned: the fractured childhood, the suppressed rage, the invalidation, childhood humiliation, and the entitlement garnered later because they have become injustice collectors, grievance hoarders. The combination of all the pent up hostilities become the psychological dynamite that fuels one last effort to ‘Win’, to ‘Show Them’, and to ‘Avenge’ themselves of their demons. It is emotional dynamite, and the fuse is set (Women who kill their partners are governed by the same toxic dynamics).

Women are usually the primary targets of dangerous abusers, but not always. It has been commonly overlooked by society that male child who grew up in violence often either identify with the abuser and become abusive later as adults, or they become victims as adults, because they identified with the victimized mother. Society has overlooked the fact that the same poison cauldron of violence and abuse that shaped most adult male victimizers, also shaped female children who were exposed to violence during childhood. While not all children model the negative behaviors learned while exposed to toxic environments, most do so in disturbing numbers since about half of the children of abusive homes are conditioned to become the hated bully they also idealized.

Both male and female children who identify with abusive parents, mimic the same behaviors in their adulthood; albeit in different ways.  People are naturally inclined to use the skills and abilities they possess to achieve their goals. Males are usually stronger than females and are conditioned by society to use that strength to their advantage. If an abused male child grows up to become a violent abuser, he uses his greater physical strength to dominate future relationships, including the children within the home. Females who adopt violent bully mentalities, use savage verbal and emotional tools to abuse and control, making the home environment toxic. Fits of screaming, name calling, and humiliation is used by both male and female abusers, as well as making unfair comparisons, belittling, invalidation, gaslighting and manipulation, and what is called ‘Love Bombing’ used as a smoke screen to distract from the negative behavior of the perpetrators. Both male and female abusers create a ‘walking on eggshells’ atmosphere in which children are anxious and fearful and suppress their emotions to stay safe from emotional assault. In addition to the immediate effects of abuse, the long-term damage to the next generation is perpetrated by both male and female abusers, as they destroy children’s ability to trust and develop healthy self-esteem. Both males and females use the same domestic violence tactics as they angrily project their pain and insecurities upon family members while presenting a masked persona as their public face.

The biggest different between male and female abusive bullies, is the use of physical and sexual violence. Women are less likely to cause substantial bodily harm to male partners, or to perpetrate physical violence upon their children. Male violence perpetrated upon female victims occurs at an alarming rate, affecting millions of households each day, and responsible for emergency room visits, hospitalization and loss workdays amounting to over five billion dollars annually, and rising. The greatest cost to female victims of male to female violence is the loss of life.

The most dangerous time in a violent relationship is when the victim leaves for the final time. It takes the average victim from 7-12 times before they leave a violent relationship for good. The abusers know when the abuser is finished with them, and they have lost all power over them, which is a humiliation and a trigger to possessive, obsessive, and entitled abusers. The presence of a gun in the home increases the likelihood the relationship will end in homicide.

Thousands of men, women and children become victims of domestic homicide annually, and the majority of the homicides occur either during the leaving process or shortly afterwards.

Male to Female DV homicide versus Female to Male DV homicide:

When Women are violent and there is a gun accessible, they are as lethal as men. For every four to five Intimate Partner Homicide in which the male is the perpetrator, there is one case of female to male DV homicide.

Statistics: The sources of the most reliable annual statistics are gathered by federal agencies, such as the Center for Disease Control, The National Crime Victims Center, The Federal Bureau of Investigations, the National Bar Association, and multiple Domestic Violence Agencies, as well as federally mandated Domestic Violence Fatality Review Boards from each state.

Statistics are generated and reviewed for accuracy before being published.

 Links to Statistical Sources are provided below for your convenience. 

·         35% of female IPV survivors and more than 11% of male IPV survivors experience some form of physical injury related to IPV. IPV can also result in death. Data from U.S. crime reports suggest that about 1 in 5 homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner.

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/fastfact.html

 

What are the statistics of domestic violence in America?

1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. This includes a range of behaviors (e.g., slapping, shoving, pushing) and in some cases might not be considered "domestic violence." 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.

NCADV

1 in 5 Women and 1 in 7 Men experience Serious Intimate Partner Violence in their lifetimes

• Over 43 million women and 38 million men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

 

Sexual abuse of Men

CDC Statistics: Male Victims

Call 1-800-799-SAFE National Domestic Violence Hotline

Trauma and Childhood

 https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdVN4Hts/

The Story of Sara NIles in Books

 

Doctor Phil on Personality Disorders

 

Tyler Perry Speaks Openly About his Childhood Abuse