The Face of Dysfunction
Dysfunction Within Families Breeds Dysfunction
Stopping dysfunction in its original form will prevent generational impact that affects individuals, families and society as a whole.
I spent thousands of hours examining people's lives under the microscope of counseling and I continue to see repetitions of the same underlying themes in almost every family. Healthy families beget healthy families and sick families beget families with many of the same sick dysfunctions that they experienced as children. Young boys and girls whose family role models were womanizers or man-users usually womanize or abuse and dispose of men, those whose models drank, usually have a substance abuse problem and those who grew up with hurt, pain, and abuse, usually inflict it upon their families in the same measure, over fifty percent of the time, or they may invariably find a partner who inflicts pain upon them. There are a rare few who escape this repetitive cycle, even though they were raised in it, but they are the exception. Many will marry the negative image of their parent or their opposite in an attempt to recreate what 'love' felt like and looked like to them as a child.
No matter how the child interprets it, when the family model is corrupted then the copy is corrupted. A very wise man that I greatly admired and who was a teacher and trainer once said there was a grandmother who baked a turkey with the edges cut off and both her daughters and granddaughters also baked their turkeys with the edges cut off. When someone asked the granddaughter why she baked her turkey with the edges cut off, she replied because her mother did it that way. When the mother was asked, she replied 'because my mother did it that way' and when the grandmother was asked, she said that she always had a pan that was too small for the turkey so she started trimming the edges so it would fit into the pan.
Dysfunction only needs to operate the first time, the rest will follow. We need to stop dysfunction where it starts in the first family, with the first children. If dysfunction by chance escapes detection, then stop it where you find it.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Danger in the Home: Mother kills children
Obsessive and controlling people who are usually laden with past issues, are self-centered, or egocentric, only value their own needs and emotions over the needs and emotions of others. Those who kill never held the strong values of the dominant culture: do not kill and do not wrong others, being paramount. Abusers of this nature exhibit red flag warning signs.
Abusers come in all forms, genders, and socioeconomic statuses. The most common denominator for seriously abusive people, is they desire to control their world to the point of obsession; if they can't have what they want, then no one can...at least no one in their immediate world.This type of abuser is usually egocentric, self-absorbed and autonomously insecure. Although most murders of female partners and of children in a family unit by domestic abusers are male perpetrated, female abusers commit similar atrocities. Domestic violence killers are not always men,such as in this case of a female who killed her own child in order to punish the child's father. If cases like this were rare there would not be a major societal problem concerning domestic violence and domestic homicide; unfortunately, these cases are common across the United States, Canada and the United Kingdom.
Domestic violence takes the lives of thousands of men, women, and children each year, and will continue to do so until the tide of this disastrous trend is staunched. Domestic violence begins before the first abusive word of emotional assault is hurled, and before the first slap or fist punch. In most cases, abuse begins with abuse.
The reciprocal effect of adults with a history of abuse as children is that it becomes a risk factor that exacerbates the likelihood they will also abuse their children. Abuse often predicates abuse, as learned behavior compounds traumatic childhoods in adults with poor stress management skills. Other factors that lead to serious child maltreatment and even murder, include environmental stress, poverty and lack of support systems. The breeding ground for domestic violence begins in a history of domestic violence. The cultural climate of domestic violence can be changed by raising public awareness through education, and by slowing the spread of dysfunction and abuse within families through prevention and intervention. In order to weed out domestic violence and slow its effects upon families and society, we need to change the climate in which domestic abuse grows.
“In the process of my evolution, I became a victim of domestic war, an emotional casualty for a major portion of my life, entwined, entrapped and emotionally involved, until I learned how to become free. Freedom has never been easily gained and has often come at high cost throughout history, but one thing I will always know is freedom is worth every fight, and all pain.”
Sara Niles from Torn From the Inside Out, Memoir