What is Love? Is it a connived passionate embrace as
seen in the movies, based upon looks and chemistry, or is it more complicated
than that?
Love is a powerful force, whether it is used for
good or bad purposes, that is beyond denial, but what is the difference between
love of God, family and country, and Romantic Love?
The Greeks were onto this idea because they had six words for Love, each word presented
a different concept of love that clarifies the overall meaning of the English
generic, one word definition that is simply called ‘Love’. The six
words are: Eros, Philia, Storge,
Agape, Ludus, and Pragma.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, we will begin with
Eros, which defines fiery, sexual passion and desire. The Greeks were aware
that even erotic love could be dangerous or wonderful, that the feeling could
possess you, taking you to heights of ecstasy or, it could ruin you. A person fully in the throes of Eros often
loss control of their faculties, even becoming so obsessed as to be ‘love sick’
to the point of not being able to sleep. In such as state only the good side of
the love object matters, even red flags that would normally cause hesitation
are often ignored. A person in this state of obsession has virtually lost his
or her mind; at least, temporarily.
Who has not heard of Philadelphia, the city of ‘brotherly
love’? The name was taken from the Greek world Philia, which means a deep
friendship and sense of loyal camaraderie much as what is common with brothers.
This noble love is portrayed in Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring,
depicting the bond between friends as a loyal and unbreakable oath.
Ludis is the Greek version of playful love that is
part of child play, or adult flirtatious play. It could be said this love is
more of a possible precursor to a stronger bond, although not a strong bond in
itself.
Agape is the great love based upon principle, the
love of what is right, the love extended to all humans, even strangers. Agape
based upon strong beliefs can precipitate a devotion that extends even beyond
all other loves in order for a person to do what is best for mankind. Not all
people are principled, not all have a core that values what is right over what
is best for them; therefore the level of Agape love a person possesses depends
upon the values of that person. A truly
altruistic individual would possess strong Agape love that extends to all
humans.
Pragma, or love based on pragmatic decisions and
ideals, is a reasoned love, with a strong cognitive component. Pragma, is a love that forms commitments based
upon reason, and may endure for long periods of time. Who has not heard of
relationships in the 1950’s in which two partners who had fallen out of erotic
love, but remained in the relationship for ‘the children’, or because it was a
more reasonable alternative to divorce. In some cases, Pragma love was
acceptable to both parties for different reasons: comfort, safety, familiarity.
Philautia is the Greek word for love of self; and as
we all know, one can have too little or too much love of self. Love of self can
become a problem of negative or positive proportions. Low self-esteem is an
underlying cause of much suffering, just as self-conceit and outright
narcissism can also cause pain and suffering.
The expression of a person’s love for others is relative to how he or
she feels about themselves; therefore, health self-love, or Philautia, is
essential for healthy love of others. The core of the love process begins with
the individual. In order for an
individual to extend healthy love, they have to possess it for themselves
first.
So
what would healthy love at its best look like?
The person extending love would have strong core
concepts and values based upon morality, truth and justice: Their own
Philautia, or love of self would be a balanced love that respected the rights
and boundaries of others, valued all humanity, based upon Agape love, and would
be able to form strong friendships (Philia), engage in play without feeling
threatened or being threatening (Ludis), form strong family ties (Storge), and
sustain pragmatic relationship based upon logical ties and rules of fairplay.
This person would have all six loves in play when in a partner relationship,
and all five in a family relationship.
A healthy person can love, and be rejected without
feeling threatened to the core. A healthy person can love without needed to
control the love object: they can trust, be betrayed and trust again; without
allowing themselves to be exploited. A healthy person will respect the boundaries
and rights of others and well as their own. A healthy person extends healthy
love and expects healthy love in return.
What
would an unhealthy love look like?
The core values of the person would be diminished in
one or more areas, which would be reflected in how they love themselves (too
little or too much); a person with narcissistic traits would see the world
through ego-centric eyes. A person on the narcissistic side of Philautia, would
constantly be in the act of creating narcissistic supply, taking from others
what he or she needs to feel good about themselves in lieu of good self-worth
with a focus on self first, others last. Superficial charm would be used to
pull the wool over other’s eyes. Agape love would be missing either wholly or
partially, and all bonds formed by such a person would lack the deep connection
needed to be called healthy love. The extreme malignant narcissist would not
have health versions of any of the six Greek Loves; each would be tainted.
Exploitation and Abuse would dominate close relationships while the world would
see the ‘mask’ of charm.
The negative version of Philautia would also include
those with extremely low self-value behaviors that present them as ready
victims of exploitation, and in some, create self-abusing and sabotaging
behaviors. Each of the six Greek Loves would be out of balance: love others too
much, or too little, without a strong core needed to sustain a healthy,
autonomous love construct. In short,
unhealthy people, usually project unhealthy love on others as a reflection of
an unhealthy self. The best Valentine’s
Day gift for such a person is to seek emotional health for themselves: Put oneself
first in order to put others first.
Happy, Healthy, Valentines Day
Sara Niles
