The NARCISSIST You Married Wore a Mask

 

Narcissists are everywhere, because they have always been everywhere, we just did not know them for what they truly were behind the masks-in the shadows lurking.

The secretive self of the typical narcissist is an unbridled ID without a fully developed EGO and an Warped Super-Ego; but most are very intelligent people who know how to hide in plain sight.

You can Marry a Narcissist and live with them for fifteen years before you understand the dark enigma. Fifteen years of wondering if you were 'crazy' because he, or SHE, will make you think that you have lost your mind. The take the truth and make it a lie, and the lie becomes truth. Gaslighting is their second language and they are fluent in it; if you say 'Blue' they swear you said 'Red', and will argue and deflect until you give in and swear you are becoming forgetful and absent minded; after all, there will be no peace unless they are right.

But there are the Good Days when this human in hiding is charming and sweet, loving and 'kind'; but can it really be so, after being cursed and degraded the day before? Or, is is that confounded Love Bombing you just heard about?

You lost yourself years ago, out of a duty to keep the peace and eliminate unnecessary strife, as you found yourself giving up and giving in more and more often. Eventually you wonder where you ended and they began, or even if there is a 'you' left. Everything you do is to please and keep the peace, to absolve, compromise, abstain, suppress and regress. You have stepped yourself all the way backwards as the world passes you by...but The Narcissist has Grown in power over the years  until they are drunk with stolen power-YOURS.

Then it happened-the light shone in and you began to see what was hiding in the dark behind the mask all along. The rollercoaster emotional journey of intense love and hate, happiness and cruelty, lies and deceit, took  its toll on you until one day your woke up to the fact that the Stranger your married was a Narcissist. 

Not just ANY type of Narcissist, but a fully developed Covert Narcissist- a genuine Snake in the Grass. And you thought you had married 'one of the good ones'. The joke was on you.

ABUSE Presents itself in Many Forms

 ABUSE  is a broad, general term that can denote behaviors that are barely detectable, such as passive insults wrapped in humor, sarcasm that seems harmless, but was meant to sting. Abuse comes in many forms from insidious looks meant to condemn, a form of psychological abuse, to absolutely terrifying abuse that can't be mistaken for anything but what it is. The categories in which abuse occurs is never limited to just one, because most abusers use all:

Emotional: Can use subtle or direct methods to Minimize, Invalidate, Ignore, Ridicules, Overly Critical, Demanding, and violates your boundaries

Psychological: Makes you feel bad without you knowing why, plays mind games, is not trustworthy, gaslights you, projects blame, creates bad roles in family, creates division between siblings, and other family members or friends

Mental: Make you feel Stupid, questions your judgment, calls you crazy and forgetful when you accurately remember details about their behavior

Physical: Pushes, shoves, slaps, throws things, breaks things, assaults you, Intimidates you, points gun or knife at you, drives fast and recklessly endangering life

Sexual: Forces you to have sex when you don't want to by coercion, ridicules your sexual behavior, compares you to others,  demands unpleasant sexual acts, withholds sex

Spiritual: Violates your boundaries, requests behaviors that violate your standards, disrespects your values, forbids freedom of worship, or non worship, demands you have the same philosophy and beliefs, ridicules your faith, denies you personal time needed to refresh your energy. Sabotages your recreation

Financial: Controls your finances, sabotages the finances, lies about money, steals or hides money, gambles with bill money, Impulse buys large items, makes your stick to an allowance

MYTH: Children in the home are not affected by what happens between the Abusive and Non-abusive parent. 

CHILDREN: See and FEEL what happens in the home. They see the power imbalance and that one parent treats the other like a child. Children see the anxious expressions and they feel the atmosphere; they walk on eggshells with you-from and early age. No One who lives in a Bully Home can ever fully relax.

The CLIMATE in which children are raised becomes an all invasive petri dish that affects their view of Themselves, Others, and  The World. Abuse within the home shapes them and molds them to accept a normal that is not healthy, but is dysfunctional; thus if any type of abuse exists in a home environment as a Pattern Over Time, it WILL affect them. IF even ONE form of Abuse listed above is typical for the family, the family is dysfunctional, no matter how functional they appear outside the home.

The word ‘Dysfunction’ is a broad label that means ‘it does not work right’, or function right, and it is at the root of worldwide suffering and pain, as well as abusive behaviors that pervades generations and corrupts individuals, entire families, and society, like a poisonous pandemic.

 

It Does Not Work Right: Dysfunction

 The Face of Dysfunction systematically examines underlying causes of damaging behaviors and reveals the connection between dysfunction and The Three-Headed Monster, that is the biggest killer of all: 200,000 worldwide (drugs), 1,000,000 (suicide-mental illness), and countless millions of men, women and children are affected by abuse, violence and sexual violation, both in the home, and within the immediate society in which they live.

 

Three-Headed Monster: Abuse and Childhood Trauma, Substance Abuse, Mental Illness

 

Dysfunction begins as covert behaviors, usually within the home, long before it spills into society as overt behaviors that can no longer be ignored or trivialized.  Mental Health issues left untreated or undertreated, lead to reciprocal damage to individuals and families, in often spill out into society when the violently delusional act out their delusions on innocent others, or more often, they kill themselves at an alarming rate.

 

Substance abuse, as well as most addictions is usually a symptom of deeper issues, like the tip of a psychological iceberg, the bulk of the problem lies underneath. The ‘tip of the iceberg, is revealed in many societal problems, such as mass incarceration, extreme violence, sexual exploitation and victimization, as a symptom of the root problem: Dysfunction.

 

The Recognition, Intervention, and Prevention of dysfunction in families will decrease dysfunction in society.  Dysfunction that begins at home, must be stopped at home.

 

The Face of Dysfunction: The Three Headed Monster

Sara Niles

#Valentines Love Story: The Story of Love

What is Love? Is it a connived passionate embrace as seen in the movies, based upon looks and chemistry, or is it more complicated than that?

Love is a powerful force, whether it is used for good or bad purposes, that is beyond denial, but what is the difference between love of God, family and country, and Romantic Love?

The Greeks were onto this idea because they had six words for Love, each word presented a different concept of love that clarifies the overall meaning of the English generic, one word definition that is simply called ‘Love’.  The six words are: Eros, Philia, Storge, Agape, Ludus, and Pragma.

In honor of Valentine’s Day, we will begin with Eros, which defines fiery, sexual passion and desire. The Greeks were aware that even erotic love could be dangerous or wonderful, that the feeling could possess you, taking you to heights of ecstasy or, it could ruin you.  A person fully in the throes of Eros often loss control of their faculties, even becoming so obsessed as to be ‘love sick’ to the point of not being able to sleep. In such as state only the good side of the love object matters, even red flags that would normally cause hesitation are often ignored. A person in this state of obsession has virtually lost his or her mind; at least, temporarily.

Who has not heard of Philadelphia, the city of ‘brotherly love’? The name was taken from the Greek world Philia, which means a deep friendship and sense of loyal camaraderie much as what is common with brothers. This noble love is portrayed in Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring, depicting the bond between friends as a loyal and unbreakable oath.

Ludis is the Greek version of playful love that is part of child play, or adult flirtatious play. It could be said this love is more of a possible precursor to a stronger bond, although not a strong bond in itself.

Agape is the great love based upon principle, the love of what is right, the love extended to all humans, even strangers. Agape based upon strong beliefs can precipitate a devotion that extends even beyond all other loves in order for a person to do what is best for mankind. Not all people are principled, not all have a core that values what is right over what is best for them; therefore the level of Agape love a person possesses depends upon the values of that person.  A truly altruistic individual would possess strong Agape love that extends to all humans.

Pragma, or love based on pragmatic decisions and ideals, is a reasoned love, with a strong cognitive component.  Pragma, is a love that forms commitments based upon reason, and may endure for long periods of time. Who has not heard of relationships in the 1950’s in which two partners who had fallen out of erotic love, but remained in the relationship for ‘the children’, or because it was a more reasonable alternative to divorce. In some cases, Pragma love was acceptable to both parties for different reasons: comfort, safety, familiarity.

Philautia is the Greek word for love of self; and as we all know, one can have too little or too much love of self. Love of self can become a problem of negative or positive proportions. Low self-esteem is an underlying cause of much suffering, just as self-conceit and outright narcissism can also cause pain and suffering.  The expression of a person’s love for others is relative to how he or she feels about themselves; therefore, health self-love, or Philautia, is essential for healthy love of others. The core of the love process begins with the individual.  In order for an individual to extend healthy love, they have to possess it for themselves first.

So what would healthy love at its best look like?

The person extending love would have strong core concepts and values based upon morality, truth and justice: Their own Philautia, or love of self would be a balanced love that respected the rights and boundaries of others, valued all humanity, based upon Agape love, and would be able to form strong friendships (Philia), engage in play without feeling threatened or being threatening (Ludis), form strong family ties (Storge), and sustain pragmatic relationship based upon logical ties and rules of fairplay. This person would have all six loves in play when in a partner relationship, and all five in a family relationship.

A healthy person can love, and be rejected without feeling threatened to the core. A healthy person can love without needed to control the love object: they can trust, be betrayed and trust again; without allowing themselves to be exploited. A healthy person will respect the boundaries and rights of others and well as their own. A healthy person extends healthy love and expects healthy love in return.

What would an unhealthy love look like?

The core values of the person would be diminished in one or more areas, which would be reflected in how they love themselves (too little or too much); a person with narcissistic traits would see the world through ego-centric eyes. A person on the narcissistic side of Philautia, would constantly be in the act of creating narcissistic supply, taking from others what he or she needs to feel good about themselves in lieu of good self-worth with a focus on self first, others last. Superficial charm would be used to pull the wool over other’s eyes. Agape love would be missing either wholly or partially, and all bonds formed by such a person would lack the deep connection needed to be called healthy love. The extreme malignant narcissist would not have health versions of any of the six Greek Loves; each would be tainted. Exploitation and Abuse would dominate close relationships while the world would see the ‘mask’ of charm.

The negative version of Philautia would also include those with extremely low self-value behaviors that present them as ready victims of exploitation, and in some, create self-abusing and sabotaging behaviors. Each of the six Greek Loves would be out of balance: love others too much, or too little, without a strong core needed to sustain a healthy, autonomous love construct.  In short, unhealthy people, usually project unhealthy love on others as a reflection of an unhealthy self.  The best Valentine’s Day gift for such a person is to seek emotional health for themselves: Put oneself first in order to put others first.

Happy, Healthy, Valentines Day

Sara Niles