SARA NILES. Author and Social Media Influencer. Books, Essays, Social Awareness The lives we live determine our passions, and our passions impact the lives we live, in a dynamic, reciprocal pattern. My Life inspired me to write Memoirs: TORN From the Inside Out, The Journey, Out of the Maelstrom, Essays, Opinion Editorials, and social narratives that shed light during dark times.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Save The Earth: Earth Song by Michael Jackson
Monday, February 19, 2018
Stop The Three Headed Monster and Make America Stronger
Sara Niles
How I Know
I have survived the most dysfunctional type of
early beginning as a small child, and after a short hiatus spent with elderly
relatives, I was once again thrown into even worse dysfunction as a teenager.
In short, fifty of my sixty years have been spent as either as a victim of
violence and abuse or as a survivor in a lifelong state of
reconnaissance. I am a Domestic Violence War Veteran, and as such, I know
far too much about abuse firsthand. I know that once the primary abuser is
eliminated from the earthquake of a family dynamic, the after shocks of
dysfunction linger from within the family unit for generations; more
often than not. The collateral damage that began when the family was
young, grew as it steadily chipped away at the foundations of the family, by
slowly destroying its members. Like water on stone, little by little, the rot
of domestic violence took its toll.
I married a very intelligent, troubled, and
violent man, whose intelligence enabled him to mask his true self by exuding a
sweet and charming presentation to the public, while his evil self lurked in
the shadows. I had five children with Thomas Niles before I was forced to flee
from him over thirty years ago, when I was still a young woman of 29. I
expected that my escape with my five children, had ended the abusive cycle of
destruction, suffering and sorrow; however, the children already had damaged
sense of selves and the world, eroded senses of trust, or total lack of it, and
they carried the mold of domestic dysfunction with them. In addition to the
dysfunction of domestic violence, my children were forced to do battle with
what I call the Three Headed Monster: Domestic Abuse, Mental Illness and
Addiction. Each of the 'Monster' heads took a victim: one by suicide, another
by mental illness, and the third became a monster himself, absorbing all the
ugliness of evil. Only two of my five children survived on the positive
side of life.
The casualties in the United States that are
directly related to the Three Headed Monster, are in the hundreds of
thousands each year: according to the CDC over 100,000 deaths a year are
attributed to alcohol alone, and over 50,000 from drug overdose, over 40,000
from suicides and close to 2000 domestic violence homicides are reported each
year (many are not labeled as such), this does not include the thousands of
children abused, neglected, or murdered each year. The prisons are full of
domestic violence victims, usually as children, and often as adults in the case
of female inmates. The broad reaching power and range of the Three Headed
Monster, extends into every public sector, including the White House of the
United States of America; Including the film industry, the sports arena, and
every place you find people, you will find both former victims and sometimes
active perpetrators of abuse. Abuse of power, and misuse of control, leads to a
an unstable and unbalanced society at its worst, unstable and unbalanced
individuals and families at the least. The result is a loosening of the Three
Headed Monster, chaos and dysfunction, suffering, and catastrophe.
The saying about Rome was that it fell in a day,
which is not literally true, however, while the process of Rome's fall was ongoing,
the conquest of Rome was declared abruptly. Rome abused power, festered
corruption and exploitation, and allowed the imbalance of chaos and dysfunction
to take over the empire and the government, much like a large dysfunctional and
abusive family. There are similarities between the Roman decline and Trump's
control of the GOP and the government, as the abuse of power through catering
to the groups in power while abusing those without, has lead to an unbalanced
state of affairs. The relationship between domestic violence and abuse in
the homes of world leaders when they were themselves children, is obvious in
the case of President Donald Trump: his childhood based insecurities still
drives his ego, and his need to create his own reality through lies, threats
and manipulation, are all vestiges of the Three Headed Monster. The imbalance
within Trump, created in his own childhood is the reason for the imbalance in
the upper echelon of government. This is a paramount example of how far
reaching childhood abuse and/or dysfunction is; and more importantly, how
society is directly and indirectly affected by dysfunction.
The recent school shooting by Nikolas Cruz, is
another example of how the larger society suffers as a whole when even the
mental and emotional health of one member is damaged, and under-treated or
ignored. It is evident that the most dangerous part of the school shooting was
the easy access to a deadly assault weapon, and mental illness was a secondary
factor, and both of these factors are part of a dysfunctional society. When
society acts as a dysfunctional unit, important issues are neglected and
society's children and their needs are not met. When the most powerful faction
of society, the governing faction, misuses power and ignores the rights and
needs of the people, society as a whole suffers.
The Three Headed Monster: Mental Illness, Family
Dysfunction (Abuse, Violence & Neglect), and Addiction, will wage war
against us, if we don't wage war on it first. In order to restore balance in
the United States as a Nation Family, we must recognize the needs of the
people. In real life terms, funding cuts to Mental Health programs,
Substance Abuse and Addiction programs, and Family Violence programs that deal
with sexual assault and abuse, domestic abuse and violence and family health,
all amount to Neglect, and Abuse of Power in the name of Greed. The needs of
the people require annual expansion of funding and services (and I don't mean
1% as in the recent VAWA renewal) that aid in the prevention and intervention
of domestic violence and abuse, mental health treatment, both prevention and
treatment, and all substance abuse and addiction services.
Before the top level of government can reclaim
balance, the bottom tier where the people live, needs attention. The creation
of legislation that will demand immediate intervention in the case of the
mentally ill in need of treatment, as well as secondary responses when
treatment is rejected, will not only make society safer, it will offer hope for
saving the hopeless individuals who commit atrocities like the one that was
perpetrated at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida on Valentine's
Day of 2018. Reclaiming balance means taking back the power that has been
loosely given to any person capable of buying and Assault-grade weapon like an
AR-15, that enabled Nikolas Cruz to effortlessly kill so many so fast.
America is already Great, but its strength is in
its people: stop abuse and dysfunction, from the government down, and America
will be stronger.
Sara Niles
Thursday, February 15, 2018
No More Dead Kids: Gun Control Now, if not now, When?
The Wrong Side of History Gun Violence Its Time To Talk About It
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
#Valentines Love Story: The Story of Love
What is Love? Is it a connived passionate embrace as
seen in the movies, based upon looks and chemistry, or is it more complicated
than that?
Love is a powerful force, whether it is used for
good or bad purposes, that is beyond denial, but what is the difference between
love of God, family and country, and Romantic Love?
The Greeks were onto this idea because they had six words for Love, each word presented
a different concept of love that clarifies the overall meaning of the English
generic, one word definition that is simply called ‘Love’. The six
words are: Eros, Philia, Storge,
Agape, Ludus, and Pragma.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, we will begin with
Eros, which defines fiery, sexual passion and desire. The Greeks were aware
that even erotic love could be dangerous or wonderful, that the feeling could
possess you, taking you to heights of ecstasy or, it could ruin you. A person fully in the throes of Eros often
loss control of their faculties, even becoming so obsessed as to be ‘love sick’
to the point of not being able to sleep. In such as state only the good side of
the love object matters, even red flags that would normally cause hesitation
are often ignored. A person in this state of obsession has virtually lost his
or her mind; at least, temporarily.
Who has not heard of Philadelphia, the city of ‘brotherly
love’? The name was taken from the Greek world Philia, which means a deep
friendship and sense of loyal camaraderie much as what is common with brothers.
This noble love is portrayed in Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring,
depicting the bond between friends as a loyal and unbreakable oath.
Ludis is the Greek version of playful love that is
part of child play, or adult flirtatious play. It could be said this love is
more of a possible precursor to a stronger bond, although not a strong bond in
itself.
Agape is the great love based upon principle, the
love of what is right, the love extended to all humans, even strangers. Agape
based upon strong beliefs can precipitate a devotion that extends even beyond
all other loves in order for a person to do what is best for mankind. Not all
people are principled, not all have a core that values what is right over what
is best for them; therefore the level of Agape love a person possesses depends
upon the values of that person. A truly
altruistic individual would possess strong Agape love that extends to all
humans.
Pragma, or love based on pragmatic decisions and
ideals, is a reasoned love, with a strong cognitive component. Pragma, is a love that forms commitments based
upon reason, and may endure for long periods of time. Who has not heard of
relationships in the 1950’s in which two partners who had fallen out of erotic
love, but remained in the relationship for ‘the children’, or because it was a
more reasonable alternative to divorce. In some cases, Pragma love was
acceptable to both parties for different reasons: comfort, safety, familiarity.
Philautia is the Greek word for love of self; and as
we all know, one can have too little or too much love of self. Love of self can
become a problem of negative or positive proportions. Low self-esteem is an
underlying cause of much suffering, just as self-conceit and outright
narcissism can also cause pain and suffering.
The expression of a person’s love for others is relative to how he or
she feels about themselves; therefore, health self-love, or Philautia, is
essential for healthy love of others. The core of the love process begins with
the individual. In order for an
individual to extend healthy love, they have to possess it for themselves
first.
So
what would healthy love at its best look like?
The person extending love would have strong core
concepts and values based upon morality, truth and justice: Their own
Philautia, or love of self would be a balanced love that respected the rights
and boundaries of others, valued all humanity, based upon Agape love, and would
be able to form strong friendships (Philia), engage in play without feeling
threatened or being threatening (Ludis), form strong family ties (Storge), and
sustain pragmatic relationship based upon logical ties and rules of fairplay.
This person would have all six loves in play when in a partner relationship,
and all five in a family relationship.
A healthy person can love, and be rejected without
feeling threatened to the core. A healthy person can love without needed to
control the love object: they can trust, be betrayed and trust again; without
allowing themselves to be exploited. A healthy person will respect the boundaries
and rights of others and well as their own. A healthy person extends healthy
love and expects healthy love in return.
What
would an unhealthy love look like?
The core values of the person would be diminished in
one or more areas, which would be reflected in how they love themselves (too
little or too much); a person with narcissistic traits would see the world
through ego-centric eyes. A person on the narcissistic side of Philautia, would
constantly be in the act of creating narcissistic supply, taking from others
what he or she needs to feel good about themselves in lieu of good self-worth
with a focus on self first, others last. Superficial charm would be used to
pull the wool over other’s eyes. Agape love would be missing either wholly or
partially, and all bonds formed by such a person would lack the deep connection
needed to be called healthy love. The extreme malignant narcissist would not
have health versions of any of the six Greek Loves; each would be tainted.
Exploitation and Abuse would dominate close relationships while the world would
see the ‘mask’ of charm.
The negative version of Philautia would also include
those with extremely low self-value behaviors that present them as ready
victims of exploitation, and in some, create self-abusing and sabotaging
behaviors. Each of the six Greek Loves would be out of balance: love others too
much, or too little, without a strong core needed to sustain a healthy,
autonomous love construct. In short,
unhealthy people, usually project unhealthy love on others as a reflection of
an unhealthy self. The best Valentine’s
Day gift for such a person is to seek emotional health for themselves: Put oneself
first in order to put others first.
Happy, Healthy, Valentines Day
Sara Niles
Thursday, June 8, 2017
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